My Fix
by Jpena
Summary: He grabbed her wrist as she tried to leave his apartment. "Amanda, please stay." She tried to shake him off. Nick came closer. "Cariño, don't go, don't go." He pleaded with her and kissed her softly. It was like nothing he ever experienced. His body craved her; it was as if he were going through withdrawal and suddenly he had a fix of her. (Please Let me know what you think :))
1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at writing a Law and Order SVU. To be honest I had seen a few episodes before Dany Pino joined SVU but really followed the show when he joined.

To make the story short I'm a big Rollaro fan but didn't write anything. I wrote this the night before the finale. Let me know what you think. Please read and review.

Chapter 1

She was infuriating. The more Nick thought about Amanda the angrier he became. She shut him off and then let him in. He couldn't really blame her since he did the same to her. Nick refused to answer her calls right after he left Riker's island. They tried to remain friends. They agreed they couldn't be involved. Amanda was damaged and so was he. Her childhood was horrible, worse than his. At least his mother looked out for him and things turned better once Amaro Sr. left for good. Amanda did not have that support; she didn't speak to her mother and the relationship with Kim was rocky at best.

The blonde accused him of making her a victim. She taunted him, angered him to no end. It wasn't healthy. Amanda hated feeling weak and closed off when it came to discussing her issues; or so he thought. He tried to talk to her about Atlanta but Amanda did not want to speak about it. She distanced herself and refused to discuss anything related to the incident as she called it. He accepted that and left her to sort out her emotions. Their "thing" was not in the best place and then she just ignored him. That was the last straw for him. Amanda refused to acknowledge him and he was trying to do the same to her.

He had to restrain himself and force himself to not go to her when his father's trial unraveled. He didn't need her. They agreed it was best if they kept a strictly professional relationship. Things were too raw for them to be friends. They started their relationship to release stress. It was purely physical until it wasn't. He cared for her; but his children came first. Amanda loved Zara and barely knew Gil. She didn't understand his anger toward Maria and sometimes minimized the need he felt to see Zara or Gil. He didn't understand Amanda's blind need to keep her life private. She knew so much about him, more than he cared to admit while he was in the dark about her life. Nick knew close to nothing about Atlanta, only what little she disclosed and the hints Liv and Fin dropped.

Nick resolved to stay away from her. It was best if they were not together. He could do it. He would keep their interactions on the cold side of things. He called Zara before it was too late and made sure to swing by Cynthia's to take Gil out for lunch. He spent the day with his son and tried to unsuccessfully convince Cynthia to stay in New York.

"Cynthia, please just listen to me. Gil has ties here, I'm here, he needs a father figure. You can just up and move." Nick tried to reason.

She shook her head sadly, "Nick, this isn't about you or me. This is about Gil. We have family in San Diego. It will be good for him."

"What is this about Cynthia? I can help you with rent. You can move in with me if it makes you feel safer. Cynthia we can try." Nick was desperate. Cynthia and him they tried for a while but the spark that had been there years ago was gone. They both knew it.

Cynthia took his hands in hers. "It wouldn't work. We're not the same people we were fifteen years ago. I don't want to take Gil away from you. I don't."

"Then don't." Nick said quickly. "Stay here. We can figure something out. Gil said you're afraid of the gangs in the neighborhood. We can fix that. I'll move you and Gil closer to my apartment." He could tell she wanted to refute him. He looked at her and quickly said, "Think about it. Gil mentioned you were planning to move in July. Don't say no just yet." He tried to continue their conversation when his cellphone rang.

"It's work." He said and grabbed it. Cynthia frowned. "It's always work."

Nick frowned too. "Hey Liv, yes I'm on my way."

"I have to go. Por favor Cynthia, just think about it." He kissed her goodbye.

He checked his phone. It was not strange for Liv to call him on his day off. He barely used his days off as it was. He drove to the station and went through the motions of a new case. Barba was there as well. Liv looked nervous. "How is Noah doing?"

His boss and friend smiled, "He's better now. The doctor says he can go back home in two days." Liv smiled gratefully.

He didn't understand her nervous stance. "We have a new case involving two minors and a very influential New York City judge." That's how their latest case started. Olivia asked him and Carisi to interview the girls. The girls were in a college now program and served as interns at the court where judge Grayson served. They were sixteen and seventeen. They formally accused William Grayson of rape and kidnapping. Nick and Carisi interviewed them. There were obvious holes in their stories. There was no evidence of assault and they claimed to have met the judge in a rave.

"Judge Grayson is fifty-five years old, three children, resides in New Jersey and is on the fast track to become a senator for that state." Carisi parroted.

Nick nodded while they drove back to the precinct. Carisi took a call from Fin. "They interviewed the judge. He has a solid alibi for that night. Grayson was at a fundraiser with his wife and three children."

"Does it check out? Is there a way that he could have left the fundraiser?" Nick asked as they walked in.

"No, Fin and I checked the footage. He was there every hour until 3:00 AM when he and his family go back to their home." Amanda said while yawning.

Barba sighed in relief. "Is he a friend?" Nick asked distractedly. The girls clearly lied but why, to what motive. He was sure Liv would demand a second and separate interview with the girls.

"Not exactly but he is respectable and we have collaborated on occasions." Barba replied.

Liv came back from her office with a smile. "Put me up to speed with the case."

Carisi explained the latest developments. "Nick, interview them one more time. Rollins, go with him, show the girls the footage." Liv said and asked Barba to her office.

Nick called the Eva Wooly and Rosemary Striker. The girls and their parents made it to the precinct within an hour. Amanda interviewed Rosemary while he interviewed Eva.

"Eva, we have footage of the night of the rape. Judge Grayson was not in New York City." Nick showed her a tablet with the images.

The girl grew restless once she saw the videos. "It wasn't my idea. It was all Rosemary. She said we could be famous this way. She said her friend did the same thing with a politician and she now has her own loft away from her parents. I can't go to jail. It was all her idea. She said we could do it and no one would know. She said everyone would believe us."

He strode out. Amanda had just left the other interrogation room. "It was all Eva's idea."

He smirked, "Rosemary said they wouldn't get caught. Eva didn't want to do it."

They reported back to Liv who informed the concerned parents and Barba. The ADA offered the girls community service as a slap on their wrists. The parents were forever grateful and ashamed of their daughters' behavior.

Fin chuckled. "If only all the cases were like this." He said while preparing to leave the station.

"I'm glad the press didn't get wind of this." Liv said. "Go home." She said to him. Nick smiled. "Come on. I'll drive you home." He replied.

"No need detective. It's on my way." Barba grabbed his coat and lead Liv to the elevators.

Nick shrugged and grabbed his coat; might as well leave for his apartment. "Goodnight."

Amanda waved at him as he left. He didn't wave or do anything. It was best if they didn't acknowledge each other. It was best for him if he only looked at her or spoke with her in a professional manner. His phone rang once more. He stopped at red light and saw Maria's number.

"Maria." He tried to remain calm. His interactions with his ex-wife were not exactly friendly. She did what she wanted to do with their daughter and he just had to accept her decisions without asking many questions.

"Nick, I have something to tell you." She sounded amicable.

Nick pinched the bridge of his nose. "Could this wait? I am in the middle of traffic."

"Nick, Zara and I are going to Europe this summer." Nick lost it.

"You can't do that. It's my turn to have her." He yelled at the phone.

"Don't yell. I'm sorry Nick but Zara's really excited and we paid for all expanses already."

Nick kept driving, not caring for any tickets. "No. I won't let you."

"Then you'll have to tell Zara why she isn't going. You would prefer her to stay with your mother all summer long. You won't have time for her. You'll leave as soon as Olivia calls you."

Nick was enraged. "She's my daughter. You can't keep her away from me." He yelled once more. It was too late Maria hung up on him.

He drove away to the usual bar. He tried calling Maria back but as usual she didn't pick up his calls.

"Maria, pick up. We have to talk about this." He must have left at least fifteen messages.

He had a few to drink more than he should have. He felt impotent. He couldn't tell Zara no. His daughter should be excited. Maria must have filled her head with knowledge and stories of all the places she would visit. Nick couldn't deny her once Zara knew. Maria of course was aware of this. Nick barely saw her; the guilt of not being with her was enough for him to cherish those precious moments he had with his little girl.

The bartender cut him off and asked him for a number to call. He handed her his cellphone. "Call Amanda." He slurred. He didn't want the girl to call his mom. They were still on the outs. Cesaria Amaro could not believe her boy would turn against his father.

The woman did. Nick had no recollection of time. Suddenly Amanda was in front of him.

"You came. I didn't know if you would come." He slurred.

"Come on Nick. Let's get you home." She sighed. "I'll take his keys." Amanda said. Nick took her hand and held onto her. He hugged her and nuzzled her neck. "I miss you so much."

Amanda trembled against him. "You're drunk. Let's go." He followed her to his car.

The night air shocked him. He sobered up some. "Where's you car?"

"At home." She replied without looking at him. Nick settled on the passenger seat. His head was clearer now. He felt the need to tell her what was happening with him. Liv was his boss now, and there was no one else to talk to. He tried to tell himself that Amanda was the default option when in reality she was so important he couldn't help but tell her about his struggles.

"Maria is taking Zara to Europe this summer. Cynthia decided to move to San Diego with Gil of course." He said with a small voice.

"I'm sorry Nick. If there's anything I can do." She said and rubbed his hand with hers. Nick was starved for her touch. He relished the feel of her hand against his.

"I don't know what to do anymore. Maria, she just decides. I can't tell Zara she can't go. Maria probably filled her head with fantasies about Rome and Paris. Cynthia at least is willing to listen. She told me she would think about moving with me for a while until I find a good neighborhood for Gil and her." Nick was on a rant now. He didn't see Amanda tense at the mention of Cynthia moving in with him.

"This is all a mess." Nick continued and then fell silent. His eyes closed and he was dead to the world.

"Nick, wake up, Nick." Someone shook him. He opened his eyes to see Amanda looking at him.

He felt the urge to kiss her senseless. She wouldn't kiss him back. Amanda would argue he was drunk. She would tell him that they were a mistake. Nick needed to play his cards right. He was buzzed as opposed to the drunken mess he had been about an hour ago.

"Come on Nick. I'll help you get to your apartment." She clearly thought he was drunker than he was.

"Thanks Amanda." He needed to get her into his apartment. He wanted her. He missed her so much. Amanda was like a drug to him. Nick had been so strong. He hadn't touched her since before the March case. They were too distracted with life and with their own issues to even consider being together. They decided to call whatever they had off before the Martin case.

"Can you walk?" She asked as he closed to door to his car.

"Yes." He replied but swayed a little to make sure she accompanied him to his apartment.

They made it to his apartment. Nick made sure to only stumble a little. "Nick, the keys." Amanda looked at him. She had very nice blue eyes.

"You have beautiful eyes. They're so blue. Have I ever told you that?" Nick asked as he tried to get the keys out of his pockets.

Amanda didn't look at him. "You haven't. Come on Nick. Don't tell me they're in the car."

Nick shook his head. "No, I have them here." He dangled them in front of her and laughed. Amanda took them from him and opened the door.

Nick leaned into her. He circled her waist with his arms. "You have the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen."

Amanda stepped away from him. "I'll call you tomorrow."

He grabbed her wrist as she tried to leave his apartment. "Amanda, please stay." She tried to shake him off. Nick came closer. " _Cariño_ , don't go, don't go." He pleaded with her and kissed her softly.

It was like nothing he ever experienced. His body craved her; it was as if he were going through withdrawal and suddenly he had a fix of her. He deepened the kiss; he rubbed her back and tried to get rid of her light jacket. She responded to him. Amanda's hands were on his hair; she gently massaged his scalp. Nick trailed kisses to her neck. She sighed and kissed him once more. He kissed her and kissed her and felt better immediately.

In that moment he realized he needed her so much. The detective ran his hands over her blouse and tried to undo the small buttons. He hated this blouse. She loved it. He hated because he had to be careful and unbutton every little button because she would hate him if he ripped it.

"Nick, stop we can't do this." Nick looked up from his work.

He didn't step away from her. Amanda didn't look at him. "Look at me. Do you want me to stop?"

"Yeah." Nick felt a little sick. He could not excuse his sick stomach with the scotch he had. His stomach churned because this was the first time Amanda said no to him. It was too late; whatever they had it was over. He lost his chance with Amanda. He stepped away from her then. "Forgive me Amanda." He ran a hand through his hair and went through the motions of placing his badge and weapon in the locked drawer. He was used to locking them because of Zara and Gil.

It was uncomfortable to see her buttoning her blouse. "Thank you Amanda. I think I can take it from here."

"You can stay in the spare room. It's too late for you to take the train now." Nick said as if nothing happened.

Amanda pressed her hands to her torso. "It's fine Nick. I can call a cab."

He nodded. Amanda could take care of herself. "I'll see you tomorrow morning." He offered a small smile.

She smiled back. It was painful to see that smile not reaching her eyes. He hugged her goodbye. He was entitled to hugs. They were still friends. Nick would live for the hugs and the goodbye kisses.

He felt her shake. "I miss you too." She said tentatively while resting her head on his chest. He kissed her forehead. Amanda looked up. They were almost face-to-face. She kissed him once more. Nick was too weak to refuse her. It felt so good to have her kiss him back. She broke the kiss and looked up to him.

Amanda gently undid the buttons of his shirt. He kissed her hands and just as gently undid the little buttons of her blouse. He took back what he said about the blouse. He loved the blouse; with every button undone his confidence increased. Nick kissed every inch of exposed skin. She kissed him back with the same fervor.

"Bedroom. Nick, take me to your bed." Amanda kissed him again, this time with a little more force. He grabbed her hand and smiled they entered his bedroom. Amanda kissed him time and time again.

Nick rid her of her blouse and slacks. He was down to his underwear in no time. He touched her bra strap. Amanda's breath hitched. He wanted to see her naked to have her under him once more. She made the most delightful little sounds. Nick rejoiced in those little sounds. Amanda smirked at him. "I hope you haven't forgotten how they work."

He smirked back and undid the hooks without seeing them. He slowly removed the offending garment. He traced circles around her nipples and then he rolled them. Amanda was tactile too. She tried to kiss his hairy chest. Amanda was surprised to learn he didn't shave. "Why would I?" He had asked. She laughed and kissed him.

Nick massaged her breasts. Amanda's breathing changed slightly when he kissed her neck. He peppered kisses from her jaw to her breasts. He felt her tremble. Nick remembered how sensitive she was. How responsive Amanda always was. He kissed past her breasts and down to her navel. He removed her green panties. "I want to kiss you here."

Amanda was not a prude by any means. She was fun. Nick deeply enjoyed having sex with her. The only thing she didn't let him do to her was that. Nick wanted to taste her. Amanda was adamant that she didn't want him to. He would convince her tonight. Nick had a feeling that maybe tonight was their last night. He would taste her. It was something Nick was dying to do.

"Nick, I don't..." He didn't let her finish her sentence. The man kissed her thighs. He licked and finally tasted her. Nick licked her slowly. Amanda sighed and tried to stop him but the scent of her, the view of her from this angle turned him more than anything ever had.

He wasn't exactly promiscuous but his experiences with other women told him that he wasn't bad at this. He enjoyed pleasuring women. Amanda quieted. She moaned, a tiny mewl and suddenly she thrust her hips. Her eyes turned dark blue. Nick realized Amanda liked him to be a little rough with his tongue. The man licked her with force. Her eyes rolled back, she mewled once more. Nick was the hardest he'd ever been. He could tell she was closed and he looked up to see her arching her back, chest and face flushed. Amanda's eyes were closed in ecstasy. She had never looked more beautiful in his eyes.

She came. Nick licked her some more and then kissed up to belly button. He rested there lulled by her shallow breathing. "That was amazing." She said quietly. He looked up to her with a smile. He wanted to stay like this. It didn't matter that he wasn't inside her yet. Nick planned to have Amanda all night. He kissed the valley of her breasts and listened then rested his head on her heart. He listened to her heartbeat and it soothed him deeply.

Nick inhaled her scent deeply. The detective wasn't romantic at all. He was not one for big love gestures. Maria called him boring, cynical to a point. Cynthia, well whatever he and Cynthia had was more physical than meaningful. He loved Amanda's perfume, the hints of flowers and her. Amanda kissed him. She sat up until they were both kissing each other desperately. "Nick, no more teasing." She kissed down his chest.

He pulled her to his lap. Amanda nibbled on his earlobe and sinuously ground her hips over his. Nick was glad she still had her hair in that ponytail of hers. He could see her face the moment he was inside of her. She kissed the side of his neck and placed him inside of her. He felt her tighten around him. It was an indescribable feeling to have her over him. She moved slowly. "Open your eyes. Open your eyes Amanda." He begged her. She opened then and kissed him. Nick moaned her name as she moved up and down. He felt her arms and hands on his back. She let out one of those glorious moans and whispered his name as if in prayer. Amanda was boneless above him. Nick pushed her back into the mattress and kissed her neck. She rubbed his back and tangled her fingers on the nape of his neck.

Nick entered her swiftly. He looked into her blue eyes and rocked against her. The man didn't break eye contact. Amanda smiled at him. He smiled back. Nick kissed her more and more until his thrusts became erratic. Amanda was close once more and this time Nick didn't hold off. "Let go Nick, please let go." She said quietly. He let go and exploded inside of her. He forgot about all the problems around him and only focused on Amanda, the feel of her under him, and the ecstasy that he felt inside of her. He saw her flushed cheeks, her twinkling blue eyes and let go of all of it. He didn't have a care in the world.

It felt so good to have her rain kisses all over his chest once he rolled her over him. Their feet were by the headboard. Nick realized they ended up on the foot of the bed. Amanda nuzzled his chest. He kissed her forehead. He cuddled her. "Amanda, I…" 

She kissed him as if to shut him up. "Let's not. Not right now." She bit his lip as she kissed him.

He kissed her once more. "You got to give me time cariño." He ran his fingers over her hips. Amanda kissed his jaw and gave him a filthy little smile. "Maybe I can help you along." Her hands trailed down to his manhood.

Nick jumped at the opportunity to touch her too. She drove him to distraction. He wanted to ask her to give them a proper chance. It isn't the time, not now. She'll think it's all about sex. He realized, it probably wasn't all about the sex but Nick wasn't too thrilled with his sudden understanding. He pushed thoughts about relationships far away from his mind and focused on the blonde and her devilish smile.


	2. Chapter 2

I forgot to say it. I don't own any characters here.

I planned to make this story a one-shot or two shot but the story itself wouldn't let me lol. Please read and review

Thank you Guest, Hilaryth, and thelisa17 for reviewing. I appreciate that you took the time to review.

Thanks to those who follow and favorited this story: mom2knjj, rachelmich80, BabyD-MontanaGirl, elise0412

Chapter 2

She woke up to a wonderful feeling. Amanda closed her eyes and tried to keep the dream. She could smell Nick and feel his strong arms around her middle. The dream was getting better by the minute. He whispered things in her ear. He did that, he usually whispered in English and some Spanish here and there. She smiled contentedly; she snuggled into her mattress trying to preserve her dream. Amanda felt a hand close in her left breast and a hardness poking her ass. It was one of those dreams, all the better for her. Nick kissed her neck and rolled a nipple.

"Don't stop, don't stop." She whined when his hand ticked her navel. She wanted to turn and kiss dream Nick but he entered her from behind. "Fuck Amanda." She moaned when he sought her mouth. He tasted of alcohol and morning breath. That wasn't a so pleasant experience. Amanda marveled at the dream's realistic qualities. She came up for her air; she didn't want to open her eyes. It felt too good to have dream Nick kiss her neck, pant close to her ear and touch her clit as he thrust inside of her. She reached a decent climax. She smiled; even dream Nick made her come quickly. They worked so well in bed. If only they had worked that way in other aspects of whatever they were. She felt him climax just before she did.

Amanda's chest rose and fell quickly. Dream Nick pulled her to his chest and kissed her cheek. A phone rang. She snuggled to her dream Nick. She hoped the dream lasted a little longer. She missed the sex but she also missed the cuddling, the long talks and their friendship. She missed their friendship.

The phone kept ringing. It wasn't her ringtone. She was sure; she would snuggle to her dream Nick a few more minutes and then open her eyes. The ringing wouldn't stop. It was time to wake up. The blonde opened her eyes and was immediately confused. It was too dark and cold. She was with a man. She was with Nick, real Nick. Amanda remembered last night. She was weak; he was drunk. They spent the night having sex. He was moving west. Zara and now Gil would be there. It made sense. She heard him utter those words and everything hurt inside of her.

Nick told her he missed her. Amanda was stupid. She always fell for the wrong guy; married, too damaged, men who didn't care for her. Men who wouldn't think twice about her; Nick was just the same. Amanda knew he wasn't a bad guy. He just didn't care about her in that way. Amanda was convenient for him. Hell, when they started sleeping together he was convenient. She didn't realize she fell for him until it was too late. She risked her career with that stunt she pulled with Wilkes. He avoided her and suddenly they were working together again and it wasn't long until they were having sex again.

They decided to stop having sex a couple of months ago and it was the best decision. Amanda faced Patton and it was best if Nick only knew hints and bits of what happened in Atlanta. She didn't need to tell Nick. He tried to be there for her. He called her and tried to talk but the last thing she ever wanted to do was explain to her friend and ex-lover that she had been raped by a person she trusted. It was her fault after all. She went to that hotel willingly. Patton offered to help Kim. Amanda was a big girl and she knew better. She wasn't a victim. Nick would catasthrophize and proclaim her a victim or worse; he would understand that she wasn't good. Choirboy would not look at her in the same way ever again. One thing was to be a gambler but another was to sell her body and dignity for a favor. Amanda wasn't raped, at least in her mind she wasn't. She should have never been in that hotel room.

Amanda pulled away from him. He groaned and tried to sleep once more. "Nick. Wake up." She shook him and grabbed his cellphone. It was 7:00 AM. Too fucking late to go back to her home and change clothes. "Liv's calling."

He grabbed the phone and answered "Yes, Liv, sorry just woke up. I'll meet Rollins there. Sure no problem. I'll call her."

Amanda stood up and tried to find her clothing. Nick stood up as well. "We have an assault victim at Bellevue." He went into the bathroom. Amanda stood there perplexed for a few seconds and then entered the bathroom too.

"What did Liv say?" She asked. Nick was naked and brushing his teeth. It was distracting to watch him. He was so damn good looking. He spat out the toothpaste. "To meet you Bellevue. Where's your phone?" Nick rinsed and then stepped into the shower.

Amanda took advantage of that emptied her bladder. She then brushed her teeth with the spare blue toothbrush. "Where's your phone?"

"I left it at home. I thought I would be dropping you off and then going home." She said after she rinsed her mouth.

"Well, Liv expects us to talk to the vic in thirty minutes." Nick said through the curtain.

"I can't go home. There's not enough time. I can call Jeanne, she'll walk Frannie." She stepped in the shower. She smelled of sex and Nick.

"I was hoping for this kind of shower." He said as she stepped in. Amanda couldn't help but smile.

He would move away. It was best if they stopped having sex. She would tell him later, not now they didn't have time to set anything straight.

He grabbed the liquid soap and lathered her arms and chest. "Nick, stop we don't have time." He kissed her and stepped out of the shower.

Amanda finished showering quickly. Nick was dressed and ready to leave. She would have to wear the same clothes from yesterday. The whole squad would know. There was no way she would go straight to the hospital. Nick would have to interview the vic alone.

"Nick. I can't go. I'll go back home. I can't go in the squad room with the same clothes." She wore his bathroom robe and stepped out to the living room area. He had a cup of coffee for her. He drank from his cup. "You don't have to. Your clothes are still here." He said a little uncomfortably.

Amanda realized he was right. Hell, she had a few of his suits in her apartment. They used to crash in each other's apartments so often they started leaving clothes in each other's apartments.

"You know where they are right?" He was hesitant.

"Yes." She went into the bedroom and opened the closet. She had a decent amount of clothing here. She chose a green blouse and a grey pantsuit. "Amanda let's go." He walked in as she tied her hair once more. It was still wet but it would dry by the time they were in the precinct.

They were in his car when Nick spoke once more. "About last night…" Amanda didn't want him to say the words so she did it for them. It was best when she was in control of whatever they were.

"It was a mistake. We got carried away but it was a mistake. We're friends. We're good friends. We can't ruin our friendship." She looked out the window. She couldn't bear to see his relieved face. It would destroy her to see his dimples. Amanda didn't speak but cringed when she heard his voice. "Right. We're friends." He didn't speak anymore after that.

Amanda interviewed the vic. She was more comfortable with her than with Nick. It was expected. The victim disclosed that it had been her husband who brutally hit and raped her.

"He is sorry. I shouldn't have provoked him. It was my fault." The woman excused.

"Ma'am it is our duty to report him. This is domestic abuse. We are mandated to report this incident." Amanda said. She had a routine down by now. It was startling to realize just how many women were victims of domestic abuse.

"But, I don't want to press charges. I love Tony." The woman replied. Amanda always had cards with her. "Call me if you ever need help. My name is detective Rollins."

"Tony will be fine right? I don't want him to be mad." The woman asked fearfully.

Amanda smiled sadly. It was like looking at her mother, every time she answered domestic abuse cases she felt as if she were speaking to her mother. "We have to bring him in."

"You can't. He didn't do anything. I got mugged. It wasn't Tony." The woman said desperately.

"Call me. We can help you Bianca." Amanda tried to touch the woman's hand. She snatched her hand away.

"I don't need any help from anyone. Leave now." Amanda left.

Nick didn't have to speak. She knew he was dying to know about their newest case. "She doesn't want to press charges but it is clear her husband assaulted her. We have to ask the doctor about her address."

He nodded, "I'll call Carisi. He and Fin can pick up the perp." Nick said curtly.

Amanda sighed, Nick's ego was bruised, he would have to get over it.

They rode back to the precinct. Nick was quiet. Amanda stayed just as quiet. Thankfully Liv assigned them different cases for the day. It was a slow day compared to other days. Amanda finished paperwork and interviewed Tony Grilla, the perp from the morning case.

She went home to Frannie. Nick didn't speak to her. He was cold and distant for the next few weeks. She mentally thanked Liv for her foresight. She paired her and Carisi more than usual. Nick did his own thing while Fin used some of his lost hours; apparently his son was adopting a baby. Fin was over the moon with his first grandchild although the older man didn't want to admit it.

Amanda worked hard to stay away from him. She was doing well. They were doing well, considering things. They had just finished that reopened case with Bayard Ellis. The squad was tired but captain Cragen was in town for the day and they decided to make a celebration of it. Lucy agreed to babysit Noah for the evening so Olivia was free to join them for a bit of fun as Fin called it. Carisi was finally done with his final exams. He offered her a ride to the place where they were meeting. She liked him, he was like that annoying brother she never had. He treated her like one of his sister. "You remind me of my sister Theresa. I'll introduce you two." She laughed and listened to his rant about going to school and working as a detective.

She kissed captain Cragen as greeting. He and Liv were looking at pictures of Noah. Fin made room for Carisi and her. She sat down and took in her surroundings. It was a nice restaurant/lounge. Fin probably picked the place. The man had a knack for picking good places. She looked to her right and found the object of her sleepless nights. Nick of course was there as was Barba, which was surprising since the lawyer was perhaps the biggest workaholic out of all of them. He greeted her. "Detective Rollins good to see you." He then turned his attention to Nick. Nick and him were speaking in rapid Spanish; which was even more surprising. Nick and Barba held a cordial relationship for the sake of professionalism but it was no secret that they were not exactly friends. Amanda thought they did not have much in common.

Olivia was seated next to her and caught her staring. She tried to mask it, "Can you understand what they're saying?" She asked.

"Most of the time but I don't think I would be able to pick up anything. They're speaking too fast." She said with a shrug.

"I thought they didn't like each other." Amanda said while drinking from her whiskey.

Olivia sipped from her glass of wine. "They bonded over dominoes and baseball out of all things."

Amanda laughed. "I didn't know Barba liked baseball."

"Neither did I." Olivia smiled. Amanda could tell she was still troubled over today's verdict. Amanda tried to reassure her. "We'll never know what really happened. We did all we could."

Sometimes getting together and eating out was all they needed to unwind. Captain Cragen took Nick aside and spoke with him. Amanda chatted with Carisi; the man didn't know captain Cragen so she formally introduced them.

"It's an honor to meet you sir. Rollins talks about you all the time." He was like an overexcited puppy.

"Only good things I hope." Cragen said modestly. Amanda smiled, "How is retired life treating you?"

"Well, it is different. I have all this time for myself." He pondered and drank from his glass of water. "I can't say I miss the paperwork or the long hours but I miss working with you."

She smiled once more. The captain was always nice and fair to her. He cared for her. Conversations flowed. They laughed and described anecdotes from when her and Nick first started working at SVU.

"Olivia and Munch had nicknames for you." Captain Cragen told them.

Nick and Amanda looked surprised. "I know his. You used to call him Serpico." The blonde detective remembered.

Barba laughed as did the rest of the table including Nick who shook his head. "Why Serpico?" The ADA couldn't stop laughing.

"I used to be UC." Nick offered as explanation.

"It wasn't because of that. He showed up with a scruffy beard. He looked so unkempt. He reminded me of Serpico." Olivia pointed out. Fin and Carisi laughed loudly.

Barba couldn't picture Nick with a beard. "Didn't suit him." She added for the hell of it. She remembered when he came back to the precinct, freshly shaven and suited up. He cleaned up nicely.

"What was Amanda's nickname?" Barba asked after drinking his scotch.

"I didn't come up with it. That was all John Munch." Olivia said her piece.

"What was it?" She asked, half sure it would be Southern Belle or debutant.

"Sunshine Barbie." Captain Cragen said seriously.

They all laughed. "Why Sunshine Barbie?" She asked between fits of laughter.

"I asked him once. He said you were very blonde and a morning person. The nicknames lasted about a week guys. Nick shaved that same day and it was obvious that you were excited to be part of SVU. By the second week you were as crabby as Munch was in the mornings." Olivia said honestly.

Conversations flowed; they ate and spoke more and more. She couldn't help but notice Nick. He was now talking to Cragen and Fin while Olivia and Barba discussed the latest news about Noah's adoption.

She felt woozy by the end of the night. Cragen left first then Olivia and Barba. The lawyer offered to share a cab to her apartment since it would be easier for him to then leave for his. Fin called a cab and left without their notice.

"Come on Rollins. I'll take you home." Carisi said and pulled her up from her chair.

She was about to thank him when Nick interrupted her. "Don't worry about her. We'll grab a cab. See you later Carisi."

He took her by surprise. One moment they were still at their table and the next he had her purse and her coat. Amanda didn't want to tip Carisi off. "I'll see you tomorrow." She waved goodbye.

Nick led her outside of the lounge. They hailed a cab. Nick gave the man her address. Amanda stayed quiet. It was uncomfortable to seat next to him. The tension was palpable; she could tell Nick was fighting to not say something. The thirty-minute ride was nothing short of psychological torture.

He paid the fee and stepped out the car. Amanda thought he would stay inside the cab to avoid paying for another ride. "I'll walk you up." He said curtly.

The elevator closed. "So you and Carisi." It wasn't a question but more of an assertion.

"Me and Carisi what?" Amanda asked as she pushed the button for her floor.

"I saw you with him." Nick said with a hint of anger in his voice.

"Yes, It might have escaped your notice but we were all there. Liv, Barba, Cragen, Fin, you, everyone. We had a good time." She was growing tired of his unnecessary questioning.

He laughed sarcastically. The doors opened. Amanda didn't want to speak with Nick anymore. "What is going on with you and Carisi?" Nick asked as they crossed the hallway to her apartment.

"Thank you for dropping me off Nick. I'll see you tomorrow." She ignored his previous question and pulled her keys out of her purse. She entered her apartment. Nick stepped in as well. Frannie practically attacked Nick with doggy kisses.

"I missed you too girl." Her dog loved Nick and she showed it for about five minutes before going back to her bed.

"You and Carisi…" Nick was like a dog with a bone.

"There is nothing between Carisi and me. Nick, give it a rest." Amanda said in a conciliatory manner. She didn't want to end the night on a bad note.

Nick stood by her side. "Why did you come together to the restaurant? You're always with him. Why?" He sounded jealous. Amanda grew tired of his childish questions.

"I don't have to explain anything to you Nick. Please leave now." She tried to be polite to him but it was getting harder to remain calm. She hated that part of him, the jealous insecure part of Nick Amaro.

His eyes darkened. "So you are sleeping with him." She laughed. "Leave now Nick. This, us, whatever we had is over. We're toxic for each other. We're too broken for this."

He didn't refute her, "Just answer me." He continued.

"If I tell you will you leave?" Amanda raised her voice.

"Yes." He replied swiftly.

She didn't want to fight with him. Two years ago she would have fought with him, egg him on until they couldn't stand the sight of each other but she couldn't bear to think Nick could hate her. Amanda didn't want to hurt or hate him. There was a chance they could still be friendly.

"Nick, us, we're not healthy. We have to stop. It doesn't matter if I sleep with Carisi or anyone else. You should not care. I want you to not care." She said with a defeatist attitude.

He came closer to her, "but I care. The idea of anyone else touching you, seeing you naked bothers me." He said with conviction. Nick grabbed her hands "Look at me please. Tell me that you haven't slept with him."

She was so angry with him, "No, I'm not sleeping with him. Nick, that isn't the issue. You shouldn't care. We are not together. We never were. Us, we're a mistake. You have all these unresolved issues, Maria, Cynthia, your children. We can't do this anymore. Nick, you need to get yourself together. I'm messed up as it is. I can't. We have to stop." She rushed to say the words because he was so close. Amanda couldn't think straight when he was this close to her. Her brain knew it was best if they were apart but he was worse than any gambling addiction. It wasn't only the sex; it was the feel of his arms around her body, his breath against her neck. The fact that he spoke in Spanish to her, he hugged, cuddled and they could speak for hours on end. He was so interesting to her. Nick Amaro fascinated her but she couldn't get too close. He would not stay with her. They were only supposed to be sex but she fell for him. Nick didn't fall for her. Gil and Zara were more important, as they should be. He would move and that was that.

Nick dropped her hands. "I'm sorry Amanda. I should go." He left in through the door.

It was better that way. It was best if they were apart. It would hurt less. They had bad timing, maybe if they met before or if they were not as messed up as they were things would be different. She stopped, and shook her head. It didn't do any good to think about what could have been. Nick and her were toxic for each other.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Law and Order SVU

Thank you guys for reading, and reviewing. Here we go. Please read and review. Let me know what you think.

Chapter 3

He was a fool. Nick couldn't help it. He saw red when Amanda and Carisi arrived at the restaurant. He noticed Carisi and her spent more time together and always paired off for interviews and other assignments. His blood boiled, it was a hundred times worse than with Maria. The idea of Amanda with another man repulsed him. Nick had never been that possessive or insecure. The jealousy he felt with Maria was nothing compared to the cold fury he experienced whenever he thought Amanda could easily find someone else. He was very aware she could find someone else at any moment.

He behaved like an immature high school kid. He practically accosted her until she told him the truth. He was a mess; he needed to sort out his life. Amanda was clear that night. Whatever they were was over. She didn't want anything to do with him.

Nick poured himself a drink and then went to sleep. He would spend tomorrow with Zara in L.A. and then he would try to convince Cynthia to stay.

The next couple of days were busy for Nick. Maria and him argued. He begged for her to cancel the trip to Europe but she was determined to take Zara to Europe. Zara loved the idea of travelling. "Maybe you can come with us daddy." She said innocently.

"That wouldn't work mi amor. I have work. I will see you once you get back. Two whole weeks in New York with abuelita and me." Nick could see Maria frowning but ultimately she accepted his terms.

Nick was furious by the time he boarded his plane back to New York. Maria accused him of not loving Zara enough. "You would be here with us, instead you are in New York. For a guy who loves his children you surely have a way of showing it."

"Children, Maria. Gil is in New York. My life is in New York. I love Zara. This whole thing is because of you. I have to call you and schedule visits to see my daughter. You complicate this Maria." Nick left overwhelmed.

At least Cynthia had good news. He almost cried when she told him. "Gil doesn't want to leave. He loves you, Nick I thought maybe we could work something out. I'm moving to San Diego."

Nick sighed. "Cynthia, I don't want to fight."

"I don't either Nick." She said sadly.

"I don't understand. Gil said you were worried about the gangs in the neighborhood. I offered to help you move but you don't want to."

Cynthia sat by him. "This is about my brother. His enemies, they know me. I'm not safe here. I want to put as much land as I can between them and me."

Nick shook his head, "I don't want Gil to grow up like that Cynthia. I don't want him to live in fear, hiding, running away."

"I don't either. Nick, this is hard. I wanted Gil to be with me. You have to understand, it's always been Gil and me. I love our son, and I know he loves me. I asked him if he wanted to stay with you or go with me." Cynthia teared up a bit.

"He wants to stay with you. I want to do what's best for him. I didn't know my dad. I want him to grow up with a dad. What I'm saying is that if you want, Gil can stay with you." Cynthia said wiping her tears away.

Nick hugged her and wiped his tears too. "Thank you so much."

"The moment he wants to go to San Diego you have to promise me you'll put him on a plane and send him to me. I want two weekends every month. I'm studying Nick. I can pay for one trip." Cynthia said as they separated from the hug.

Nick smiled. "Yes, I have miles. We can do this. Cynthia you don't know what this means to me. I don't know how to thank you."

She shook her head, "Don't thank me. I want you to promise me something else Nick."

"Anything." He said immediately. He was willing to meet every demand she had.

"You take care of our son. He is responsible Nick, but he needs you to take care of him. He needs you to be there. I know you love your job but if Gil stays you have to cut back. I know Cesaria does not mind taking care of Gil. In fact she is thrilled to take care of him when you work but our son needs you to be there." Cynthia said seriously.

"I promise." He said without a doubt. Olivia would understand he would try to emulate her schedule. Noah was an infant and the sergeant seemed to have a fair amount of time for her son.

Nick agreed to Cynthia's terms. She would settle in San Diego this summer. Gil would stay back until August. His son would fly to Sand Diego and stay with his mother for that month until September when he would come back to New York. Cynthia asked for Christmas and summer breaks. Nick agreed to all and left Cynthia's with some sense of relief that he hadn't felt in months.

The man arrived to the station bright and early. The squad was ready for yet another case, this time it was a kidnapping. Owen Farhidi. Nick empathized with the dad but could not help but feel something was amiss. The case unraveled unpredictably. It was all a sham. Mr. Farhidi tried to put some sense into his ex-wife. He now faced probable jail time.

None of them were happy with the outcome of the case but they did their job properly.

"Hey, want to go to party." Carisi said out of the blue. They were done with the case. Mrs. Farhidi would sign he statement the following morning. Owen was safe and sound, and under her care. Nick didn't feel at ease with that information but honestly hoped this situation forced Mrs. Farhidi to take better care of her son.

The newest SVU recruit was always inviting him to parties, get-togethers and the like. Nick always said no. It wasn't that he didn't like Carisi. He just didn't have the drive to have fun.

Fin shrugged, "Why not."

Carisi looked at him with expectant eyes. "We have work tomorrow." Nick tried to excuse himself.

The man smiled, "Come on. Live a little. Amanda will be there too."

Those were the words that finally convinced him. The rational part of his brain told him to decline the invitation and go home. He could catch a game or something. The irrational part ordered him to go with Carisi wherever he took him. Amanda would be there. He could try to talk to her and finally clear the air between them.

"I'll expect you there. I have a friend in mind for you." Carisi winked and then walked out of the precinct. Fin followed the younger detective out as well. Amanda had been gone for an hour already.

"Why are you still here?" Olivia stepped out of her office.

"Just finishing paperwork." He had five reports to go before he was finally done with them.

"See you tomorrow Nick." Liv smiled and then left. It was barely 6:00 PM. A year ago they would both be here pulling night shifts.

He was happy for Olivia. She had a family now. His partner and boss took to motherhood naturally, besides from some questions about tummy aches, teething and other new parent questions Olivia was a natural.

Nick knew his old partner started the adoption process and was ecstatic for her and Noah. He missed Noah. Nick hadn't seen him for a few weeks now. He would talk to Liv about visiting some time this weekend. He missed the little boy.

Nick finished his paperwork and headed out to his car. Carisi texted him the address, it was in Brooklyn, for a moment he thought it would be in Staten Island. He was pleasantly surprised when he read the address. It was actually not far from Amanda's place.

He knocked on the door and was received by a nice looking woman. She had brown curly hair and a very nice smile.

"Hi, how can I help you?" She asked.

He smiled back. She had an infectious smile. Nick could hear music playing on the background. "Hi. I'm Nick. Carisi's friend."

She was confused for a few seconds and then her brown eyes lit up with recognition. "You mean Sonny."

He smiled, "yes, force of habit sorry."

The woman smiled widely. "I'm Maritza. Nice to meet you Mike." She kissed him on the cheek.

"Nick, It's Nick. Nice to meet you Maritza." He replied as he entered the brownstone. The party was in full swing. He tried to spot Amanda or Fin but it was somewhat crowded inside of the house.

"Are you hungry? I can fix you a plate of food." She did have a wonderful smile.

"No thank you. I'm not really hungry. Where's Sonny?" Nick asked politely.

"He's out back with a couple of friends." She pointed to the yard where there were more people.

Nick stepped out to the yard and found Carisi and Fin.

"Hey you made it." Carisi smiled and handed him a beer. Fin chatted up with a young woman. He was all hands and jokes.

"This is detective Nick Amaro." He said to the group of people who were around them.

"These are my classmates from law school. You've meet Maritza, that's Stephanie, Blake, Peter and Christopher." Carisi introduced him to his classmates. They made small talk for a few minutes.

"So what are we celebrating?" Nick asked, he wanted to ask after Amanda but it would be too obvious if asked right away.

"Our first year of law school. Three more to go." Maritza said happily.

Nick knew Carisi went part-time. "So what do you do?" He asked bluntly.

The woman smiled. "I work at a law firm as an assistant."

"Why law school?" he asked straight away.

"Everyday habits die hard don't they?" She smiled once more. Nick was confused and then realized he sounded like he was interrogating her.

"I'm sorry." He said sheepishly.

She touched his arm. "I'm teasing you." Maritza laughed.

"Well, I worked with a good lawyer. He inspired me to do more." She said simply.

The woman continued to speak. Nick was surprisingly engaged. Maritza was a very likable person. She grew up in the Bronx; her parents are Colombian and were deported when she was a teenager. He was very surprised she disclosed so much information.

"Don't look so surprised. I have to tell you why I want to become a lawyer." She said with an open smile.

He liked that she was all smiles and not afraid of speaking about her life story. She asked about his life too. "Nothing special. I was born and raised in El Barrio, Cuban and Italian. I have two kids Gil and Zara. I work with Carisi; nothing much."

"Sonny didn't tell me you were married." She said inquisitively.

"Oh, no I'm divorced." He replied. Maritza's stance softened once more.

They talked more and more until he saw her. She looked beautiful. Amanda wore her hair down in loose waves.

"Hey Rollins." Carisi waved at her. She smiled at him. She looked at him and that smile dropped a little. His guts twisted a little. Nick didn't like her response to him.

She approached them. "Hello." She said.

"I thought you were not going to make it." Fin said and kissed her good night.

Carisi introduced her to all his classmates. She made small conversation. Nick tried to speak to her but she was always busy with someone else.

The music changed as the night progressed. "I love that song." Maritza heard a song, a very old salsa. He remembered his mother singing and dancing to it when he was a little boy. There were few good memories about his parents together dancing was one of them. Nicholas liked to dance, as did Cesaria.

They used to dance around the kitchen. He loved salsa, it was something not even Nicholas could take away from him.

There were a few couples dancing. She stood up and grabbed his hand. "Come on. Don't tell me you don't know how." She teased. He shook his head. Of course he knew how to dance.

He laughed and went with her. It had been years since he danced. Maria did not care for dancing. He remembered dancing a lot when he was undercover. Cynthia loved to dance. It was like riding a bike; one never really forgot.

Nick was dancing and singing along to the songs in no time. He laughed and twirled the woman around the impromptu dance floor. A song became six or seven. He sang along to some of the songs. Maritza giggled and became daring. She danced really close to him; he raised an eyebrow and brought her closer. She openly flirted with him.

He laughed and followed her lead. "I feel like I've known you for years Nick." She said once they grabbed a couple of beers. They went back to their group.

Carisi was the first to speak, "What's that music called?"

"Salsa." He answered and noticed Amanda gave him a weird glance. It was too brief for him to make sense of it.

"You're a good dancer Nick." Maritza said with another of her big smiles.

"Must be the Cuban blood." She winked at him. He felt uncomfortable for the first time since he got to the party. He couldn't flirt with another woman in front of Amanda. It didn't feel right.

He stayed quiet. "So where did you learn to dance like that?" Amanda asked. There was a hint of reproach in her voice that only he could detect. To the untrained observer she sounded curious but he knew better. Amanda was reproachful. She loved to watch dancing and singing contest shows and not once had he said that he could dance.

"It's just dancing. I learned in El Barrio, nothing special." Nick said without giving it much importance.

"Well, I think you are by far the best dance partner I've had in a long time." Maritza laughed. Amanda's eyes were fixed on his as if daring him to laugh or flirt back. He offered Maritza a weak smile. He would forever be grateful to Rafael Barba.

"Rafi." The woman squealed and hugged the approaching ADA.

The man kissed her cheek and smiled.

"Counselor, surprise to see you here." Nick said quickly.

"I'm as surprised as you are." He replied.

"You know them." Maritza said happily.

"Yes, Mari, I work with them." Barba commented.

"How do you two know each other?" Carisi asked as he took a swig from his beer.

"His mother helped me when my parents were deported back to Colombia. I lived with Mrs. Barba for a couple of years." Maritza said quickly. Once again he was surprised at just how much she disclosed about her life.

"He's the lawyer I told you about. Rafi helped me study for my L-SATS and with my applications. He's like a big brother to me." She hugged Barba. He smiled at her and rolled his eyes when she pulled him to the dance floor. As it happened Barba was a skilled dancer as well.

"See, nothing special." He remarked and sat by Amanda. It was his chance to speak to her.

"Of course they're not dancing as close as you two were." The blonde detective remarked. No one else heard her. Fin was too busy talking to a tall brunette while Carisi unsuccessfully tried to dodge a pretty black-haired woman who asked him to dance with her.

He felt the need to explain. "It was harmless. It doesn't mean anything." 

She laughed. "Nick, you don't have to explain. I was just teasing you."

"Amanda, can we talk?" He asked bravely.

"We are talking." She replied simply.

"You know what I mean. About us." He said hurriedly. Carisi and his date came back. "I'm sorry Steph. I can't." He laughed apologetically.

Steph giggled. "I don't think I know how to dance to that either." The woman then looked at him and asked. "What is it?"

"Bachata." He saw as Barba and Maritza came back.

"You have moves too." Carisi said once Barba sat down.

"Amaro and you can dance. Who would have thought it?" Carisi said.

"Perks of being Hispanic I guess." The ADA said. Nick smiled at that stereotypical comment.

"Socio." He said and offered him a beer. The ADA refused it. "No thanks, I'm driving back."

Maritza shook her head. "You could stay here Rafi." The woman sipped from her beer.

"I can't. I only came because mami told me to look after you." He accepted a drink from Amanda.

They spoke more and more. Maritza lived with "Rafi" during her teenage years. She saw him a lot when he was in late high school and then during summers and breaks when he was in Harvard. She told stories about living with him. Barba laughed with some of the stories. He was comfortable with Carisi by now. Nick enjoyed the carefree attitude of this get together.

Maritza blasted music once more and suddenly he was pulled to the dance floor with her. He danced but kept looking back where Amanda was. Barba said his goodbyes after he received a call. "Work, I have to go." He said.

"Anything for us." Nick stated.

"No, something else." Barba looked worried. He kissed Maritza goodbye and was out the door.

"Come one let's keep dancing." She said and tried to push him to the dance floor once more. He smiled. Let me grab a beer first. He noticed Fin and Amanda were gone as well. He needed to speak with Amanda.

Maritza was by his side. "I have to go. It was nice meeting you Maritza." He said and kissed her cheek.

"Wait. You're forgetting your phone." She showed him his phone.

He smiled, "Thanks." He tried to grab it from her grasp. "Hold on. Let me put my number here." She clicked away. I just sent me a text. Text or call me Nick." She gave him a small peck on the lips. "Good night."

Nick smiled and ran toward Amanda's place. It wasn't far at all. He took the elevator and knocked on her door.

There was no answer. He knocked on the door again. Maybe she wasn't there. He was about to give up when she opened the door. "What do you want?" Her voice was shaky and her eyes were red. It was obvious she had been crying.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own SVU

Please read and review. Thank you guys for the feedback

Chapter 4

She thought it was a good idea to go to Carisi's party. It was close to her apartment and she needed some distraction. Amanda had had the stomach flu for a couple of days now. She was feeling better now and decided to give the party a try. The blonde wore make up, let her hair loose and walked to the address Carisi texted him.

The detective was surprised when she saw Nick there. Carisi always invited the squad to different events but Nick never went to anything. He was talking to a brunette. The woman was pretty, a little shorter than she was and fuller around the hips and chest area. Carisi introduced them. They made small talk and then Maritza was pulling a reluctant Nick to the dance floor.

He looked so good dancing. His hips swayed to rhythm of the music. He was all smiles and singing. The woman pushed and ground closer to him. Amanda felt bile rise. She didn't like to see him flirting or dancing with anyone that wasn't her. Was this how he felt that time when he accused her of sleeping with Carisi? She shook her head and composed her stance. It wouldn't do well if Fin noticed how uncomfortable she was. She chatted but could not keep her eyes away from a happy Nick. That wasn't the Nick she knew, it was a carefree man; he laughed and danced. He never shared that part of him with her. They had seen at least 10 episodes of Dancing with the Stars and he'd never said anything about dancing or the fact that he did.

Nick minimized the fact that he could dance. She was sure he could tell she was jealous. Barba saved him, as it happened he knew Maritza, they were practically siblings. Nick tried to explain the dancing. He looked and sounded guilty. Amanda didn't want to think about the possibilities of him feeling guilty. Could Nick truly like that woman so quickly? She tried to save face by reassuring him that he needn't explain his actions.

That woman pulled him to the dance floor once more. This time they danced even closer. Amanda felt sick to her stomach. She hadn't touched a drop of alcohol; her stomach was still unsettled. She didn't want to tempt fate. "I have to go." Barba looked worried.

"Something happened?" Amanda asked carefully.

"Nothing, it's work related." Fin stood up. "Oh no, nothing SVU related. I'll see you around." the counselor left abruptly. Amanda saw as he approached Nick and Maritza.

"Might as well go to. Come on. I'll drive you home." Fin said. Amanda nodded. Her partner always knew. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

Amanda hugged Fin good night. She needed a hug. "It's for the best. You deserve to be first priority." Fin said and hugged her tight.

She wanted to cry. She would never be first priority for Nick. She knew Zara and Gil came first. Amanda had no problem with that; it was the fact that Maria, Cynthia, Olivia, and work were more important than her as well.

The woman used the stairs and then went inside her apartment. As soon as she entered nausea overcame her. Amanda ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach. She cried and felt miserable. She could hear someone knocking.

Amanda tried to look better than she felt but it was useless, her face was blotchy and her eyes were red.

She saw him once she opened the door. "What do you want?" her voice was hoarse.

"Amanda are you ok?" He asked with a concerned voice and big brown eyes.

She was going to tell him to fuck off when it happened. She heaved and ran back to the bathroom before she embarrassed herself more. The detective barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up again.

She felt Nick pull her hair back and rubbed her back. He handed her some towels. "What is going on?"

"Nothing." She said without looking at him. Amanda washed her face and brushed her teeth. She wanted to pretend he wasn't there.

"Amanda, please, this is not the time for you to be difficult." Nick commented.

"Go away. I'm fine." She put a hand to her mouth. She didn't want to vomit again. She doubted there was anything in her stomach to throw up anymore.

"You're not fine." He had that look on his face, the one that meant he wasn't going away.

"I think I have stomach flu." Amanda sighed and pulled her hair up. She felt the urge to throw up again. She dropped to the toilet and dry heaved. She was crying. Nick rubbed her back and made shushing sounds. She stood up and washed her face again.

She cried, she hated being sick. Nick hugged her. "It's fine. I'm here." She hugged him hard and cried just as hard.

"Come on. Let's get you to bed." He led her to her bedroom. Amanda sat down on her bed. She didn't want to undress or do anything. Suddenly she felt tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep.

"Nick go away please." She said weakly.

"Not yet, I'll stay until you fall asleep, just in case." He went through her drawers and picked her favorite NYPD shirt and some shorts. It was getting warmer but New York City was still cold at night.

Nick helped her out of clothes and into her nightwear. "I'll make you some soup."

"Don't. I don't think I can keep it down." She leaned on him when he helped her with her jeans.

"You'll feel better after the soup." He whispered and moved her hair back. He smiled convincingly. Nick was all charm. She shook her head. "No food. I just want to sleep."

"Ok." He said with a worried glance. He kissed her forehead and tucked her in. Amanda fought off the urge to ask him to hold her and stay by her side.

"Sleep well cariño." Another of his kisses on her forehead; she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come.

She must have been tired because she slept for a while, an hour and a half to be exact. She felt the urge to heave again. She felt weak but managed to make it to the bathroom. Amanda cried and heaved, it was painful since there was nothing to empty. Once more she felt him gather her hair and rub her back in circles.

She cried when it was done. Nick wiped her face. Amanda leaned into his chest. His eyes were bleary. He wore his boxers and undershirt only. He must have stayed. She was glad he did. "I want to brush my teeth." She said into his chest.

"I'll make you some tea." Nick looked into her eyes seriously. "We're going to your doctor if this keeps happening."

Amanda shook her head. "No doctors. I'm feeling better." She clung to him. Tomorrow, she will think about how weak she was for letting him comfort her.

He kissed her hands and went into the kitchen. Amanda washed her face and brushed her teeth. She looked like a mess. Amanda felt her stomach settle and went into the kitchen. Nick handed her a steaming cup of ginger tea. She didn't even know she had ginger tea. Frannie watched them from her bed, not wanting to get up from her comfortable spot.

Amanda stayed quiet and noticed he was sleeping on the couch. "You didn't have to stay Nick." She said tiredly.

"I wanted to make sure you were fine." He drank some tea as well. "I'll go after you fall asleep." He said. Amanda remained quiet. Nick watched her drink her tea and then helped her back to bed.

"Goodnight cariño." He kissed her forehead once more. Amanda's conviction broke down. "Could you stay?" She asked barely audibly.

He nodded, "I'll be in the living room if you need me." He touched her cheek.

Amanda held onto his wrist. "I mean here with me." He had every right to leave. She avoided him, told him they couldn't be together. Nick stayed away. He kept his word unlike her.

He looked very unsure. Amanda hesitated once more but then he rested by her. She looked at his golden necklace. He usually wore it underneath his shirt and tie. It was a simple golden cross. "Choir boy." She muttered as she touched the cross. He smiled and inched closer to her. "I know this isn't the best time but can we give us a try?" He asked plaintively.

She looked at him. He was so handsome. "We tried before. It didn't work." She said sadly.

"That was my fault. I should have never shut you out after Wilkes. Amanda, I miss you so much." He rubbed her back slowly.

Amanda smiled sadly and ran her fingers over his arm. "You miss having sex with me."

Nick frowned, "yes, but I miss this more." He kissed her hands. "I miss having you in my arms. Just talking to you, like this, kissing your forehead. I miss telling you about Zara and Gil. Amanda I miss us."

She hugged him, "I miss us too." She really did, the detective almost forgot how much fun they had together. She couldn't forget the late nights, the pizzas, the laughter and how much they just talked. They talked a lot but always about his kids, work or broad issues. They never talked about them. She never spoke about her. Amanda wanted to cry.

"We can try again cariño." He kissed her neck.

Amanda couldn't. She remembered Fin's words, "you deserve to be first priority." She recalled the fact that he would be gone to California. "I don't think we can Nick. It wouldn't work. We don't really know each other and remember Zara and Gil. Soon they will be across the country and you'll go with them."

"Gil is staying with me. Cynthia, she's moving to San Diego but Gil is staying back here with me." Nick said; his eyes sparkled with happiness.

She hugged him some more. "I'm very happy for you Nick."

"I'm terrified of my dad but I'm more afraid of becoming him." Nick said carefully. Amanda pulled back. She was confused.

"You said we didn't know each other. I'm trying to fix that." He said seriously.

"I used to think it was normal for my dad to hit my mom until I went to school. I was very angry with my mom for a couple of years. I resented her until my dad sent her the hospital. She almost died. I swore then that I would never lay a hand on a woman. I was 9. My dad left when I was fifteen. I was happy at first and then I missed him a lot."

Nick looked at her with sad eyes. "He wasn't always bad. He used to dance with my mom. Dad took Sonya and me to baseball games. Sometimes when things were good he took me to this little Italian ice-cream place. It was just the two of us, he and I. I was relieved when he left for good but also sad."

"Things were better when he was gone. Mom got a job; we stayed in the same house, just in case he came back. Mami is not speaking to me yet because I testified against him. I was a mess during that trial. My mom confessed dad sent money every week. I should have known better." He looked conflicted.

Amanda watched him closely. She hadn't been there for him with Nicholas Sr. came back to his life. "He beat her. You did the right thing." She said.

Nick smiled, "I know I did. He's tried to talk to me ever since. He's staying in New York with the new wife."

"I don't want him to be part of my life. I don't want him near Gil or Zara." Nick said with a hint of anger. Amanda nodded.

"That's your choice Nick." She said carefully.

"You know about Gil, and Zara. I met Cynthia through my undercover work. Maria and I, we met through mutual friends." He was quiet then.

Amanda liked the way he rubbed her back. "What else do you want to know?"

"Why did you become a cop?" She asked while nuzzling his neck.

He smiled. "I didn't know what to do after college and I always liked cops. I'm sorry, there's no inspiring story behind my decision."

Amanda laughed. "Same here." She liked laughing with him.

"Let's play 20 questions." She said.

"What's your favorite color?" She began.

"Blue. Yours is green, forest green." He replied. "See, I know things about you."

She kissed his neck once more. "Ok so not 20 questions." She yawned.

"Tell me something you've never told anyone." She said jokingly, not really expecting him to answer.

"I regret my relationship with Maria. I love Zara but if I could go back and have my Zara with anyone else I would." Nick said quietly.

Amanda knew he wasn't lying. Maria hurt him so much. "You don't love her anymore."

"I don't think I could anymore. She is this stranger that took my girl away. Sometimes, I'm so angry with her. That night, at the bar, you were right. She gets to me, because if there's anyone who can bring the worst in me is Maria. I don't ever want Zara to know that. I didn't try again because of that." Amanda nodded. She held him.

Nick kept talking about him for another hour. She asked a lot of questions. He answered them all. She listened and realized some of the information she already knew or guessed correctly.

"I guess it's my turn now." They were intertwined. He had a leg over hers.

"I grew up without a dad. Kim is my half sibling. My dad took off before my mother gave birth. I don't even know his name. I made up a story in my head about him. I used to think that he was a busy businessman and couldn't come and visit me because he was so busy. I had many "uncles" throughout my childhood and teen years. I took care of Kim. I tried hard to keep her safe but she was always looking for trouble. I don't speak to my mom anymore. She accused me of seducing her boyfriend when I was seventeen. I left then. He tried to rape me." Amanda looked at Nick, trying to determine his reactions. She didn't see pity, which was good.

"I went to college and then became a cop. I love being a cop. I rented my own apartment and worked my ass off waitressing and living with at least five girls like me to make ends meet. You know about me and Kim." Amanda didn't want to go into details.

He nodded, "I have a gambling problem. Captain Cragen called me from Atlanta to work in SVU. That was a godsend. I needed a change of scene."

She could tell he wanted to know why she transferred. He wanted to know more about Patton and the case. Nick knew the overall picture but he didn't know the exact specifics. "You know about chief Patton and the allegations against him. I am not a victim Nick. I need you to understand that."

"Kim was in trouble. Chief Patton said he could make it go away if I serviced him. I agreed. I knew what was going to happen in that hotel room. I asked him to stop. He didn't." Amanda said hollowly.

Nick held her close. "He raped you. I know you don't think so but he did. He raped you and I'm sorry."

She looked into his eyes and didn't see the disgust she expected. He offered her a shy smile. "We don't have to talk about this anymore. Not until you want to." She smiled and hugged him. She wouldn't cry, little by little she thought more about them. Maybe they could work on this relationship.

"Now tell more about your wild years." He teased her. She laughed and told him about growing up with a very permissive mother. She told him things she never told anyone. Amanda told him about trying to meet her father and her mother's categorical refusal to give a name.

They spoke for at least three hours. Nick told her more about his teenage years, happy memories, and bad memories. They spoke until they were very sleepy.

"So can we give us a chance?" Nick asked her gently, his big brown eyes were on her blue eyes.

"You were so happy tonight. I saw you with that woman. You were dancing, singing and laughing. You looked so carefree, so different from when we are together. Nick, you've never looked so happy with me." Amanda doubted them. She couldn't help it.

"I don't want her. I want to be with you. Maritza is nice. I had a good time with her but I doubt we would be good for each other in the long run." He said openly.

"Like we are. Nick, we fight all the time. You are possessive, jealous and I am not the most stable person. Nick I came at you, I wanted you to lose control, that night at the bar." She confessed.

"I didn't Amanda, that's what counts." He replied. He caressed her face. "Amanda, we can give this a try. One of your smiles, a kiss from you makes me happier than dancing a hundred songs with anyone." Amanda kissed him. He kissed her back.

"Maritza gave me her number." He said when she rested her head on his chest. He said it with a sleepy voice.

Amanda was just as sleepy. She felt drained, "delete it." She said and kissed his chest. "Ok when we wake up." He replied just as sleepily.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own Law and Order.

Thank you guys for your support. Please read and review .

Chapter 5

He woke up to dry heaving sounds. Nick ran to the bathroom and found Amanda dry heaving. He helped her up and handed her the towel. This was the third time in less than twenty-four hours.

"Cariño, you have to see a doctor." He said and sleepily embraced her.

"After work. I'm feeling better now. I think this is the last day of this flu." She brushed her teeth. Nick showered while Amanda went out for her morning jog with Frannie. Nick decided to cook breakfast for them. He was glad he still had clean suits there.

He made toast, something simple since they would have to leave as soon as they finished breakfast. Liv already texted him, they all needed to be there by 9:00 AM. Barba wanted to meet with them. He wanted to talk to Liv about the sergeant's exam. Liv needed a second in charge and he wanted to be that second in charge.

Amanda came back sweaty. "Breakfast ready. Liv texted, we need to be at the station by 9:00. All of us." He kissed her good morning.

"Fine. What did you make?" She looked beautiful. He wished they had more time. Nick kissed her once more.

"What was that for?" She chuckled.

"Because I can." He shrugged.

Amanda winked at him. "I'll shower quickly. Make coffee. I want coffee."

Nick made coffee and ate his piece of toast. The detective checked his messages. Zara texted him goodnight and sent him a cat video. He replied to his daughter with a good morning. Maria left a voicemail about Zara's passport and his required signature. She would send the documents; she asked to please send the documents right away. He sighed.

Someone called Mari texted him. Amanda came back; her hair was still wet she came close and snatched a piece of toast form the plate.

Nick felt guilty for looking at the text. He needed to bring it up. "Maritza texted me." He handed her the phone.

Amanda's eyes crinkled, "Hey Nick. I had a great time with you last night."

She typed away. "What are you typing?" He asked.

"I'm politely breaking up with her." Nick was puzzled and looked over her shoulder.

"I had a great time too. You're a really nice woman but I am going through a lot right now." He read. "You can't send that through a text. Shouldn't I call her?"

"No." Amanda hit send. "She's a big girl. She can take it. Where's my coffee? She gave him a smile and he smiled back.

"Come on. Fin and Carisi are already there." Amanda ate her toast without a problem.

"I feel so much better." She said between bites of her toast and sips of coffee.

They finished breakfast and walked to his car. "No one cares if I pick up or we can make up an excuse saying we met by the coffee cart."

Amanda agreed. He drove them to the station, "Gil must be thrilled to stay back."

"He is, Cynthia will have him during summers and Christmas breaks. She also asked for every other weekend, which works fine since I visit Zara, every other weekend anyways. I'll show you all the cool places Zara likes." He said happily.

"I'm included in these little getaways." Amanda smiled.

It was the right thing to say. "Yeah, I'm sure Zara will love to see you. She asks about you and Frannie all the time."

"I'd love to see her too." Amanda said.

"I promised Gil we would go see a movie Friday night maybe you can come with us." Nick said. She didn't know Gil that well. It was high time they met and got to know each other. He was half afraid she would say no. She didn't answer right away.

"Or not. If this is going too fast for you then we can wait until you're ready." Amanda shook her head.

"I don't want to intrude Nick. I know how little time you and Gil get with each other." She said honestly.

"He'll love you. " Nick smiled.

Amanda smiled. They approached the station. "I wonder what Liv wants to tell us." They walked into the precinct.

Carisi looked as cheerful as always. Fin was catching up to his paperwork. Nick went inside Liv's office and told her about him taking the sergeant's exam. She gave him his blessing. Today was shaping up to be a very good day. He told Amanda about his aspirations. He smiled at him and even winked before Fin or Carisi noticed. He grinned even more.

Nick was happy. He felt lighter than he had in months. Olivia told them about Johnny D's trial. They were to protect and become confidantes to the witnesses who were to testify. They worked all day. "So, you and Maritza hit it off last night." He waggled his eyebrows.

"We did. She also might as well be Barba's little sister." Nick frowned at him.

"I had no idea." Carisi said defensively.

"Well now we know." Nick shrugged. Carisi didn't speak about Maritza anymore.

The day was uneventful after that. They tried to contact all the witnesses and get a feel of their state of mind. Olivia did not want to overwhelm them just yet.

Nick spent most of they day studying for the sergeant's exam. He was motivated to excel at this. He could see himself as a sergeant. It would mean more responsibility but also more leeway. The pay would be better; and he definitely loved his job. The only problem he could see was his relationship with Amanda. They were private people no one needed to know they were seeing each other. There were a million and one reasons to not keep this relationship with Amanda but he would not give them up. These past months without her were extremely hard on him. He wouldn't give her up.

"Good night." He said half an hour after Amanda left for her apartment.

He picked Mexican food on his way to Amanda's apartment. She loved spicy food. "I come bearing food." He grinned when she opened the door. The detective kissed him.

"Good I'm starving." He was glad she felt better. She devoured her serving and helped him with his.

"So sergeant's exam." They were side by side on her couch.

"Why not. I could see myself bossing you around." She punched him on the arm.

He laughed, "You should try out too. You don't want to be a detective all your life."

"Yes I do." She said and raised an eyebrow.

"Help me study then." He stood up and grabbed his prep book from a chair.

"Fine." She took the book and quizzed him for about an hour before he got sidetracked. Nick pulled her to his lap. She turned and kissed him.

He deepened the kiss. Nick kissed her neck and pulled her tank top over her head. She undid his shirt. He made her drop the book to the floor. They were making out on the couch. "I thought you were going to study." She sighed when he trailed his fingers over her torso.

"I'll review tomorrow." He kissed her more and more. She bit his lips and tried to undo his belt.

"Should we take things slow?" He had to ask. He didn't want Amanda to think he only wanted this chance to have sex with her.

"No." He lowered her sweats. She was gorgeous and so ready for him. He rubbed her slowly. She hissed and placed her hands on his head. He loved when she ran her fingers over his scalp.

He thrust his hips and hissed when she pushed him into her. Amanda's hands were on his ass. She loved to grab his ass. "Condoms." He said as an afterthought.

"Shot, remember?" He nodded. Amanda was on the shot. She didn't want children. Nick moaned when she gripped his cock.

"I'm naked, get rid of the pants." He didn't know how but he managed to.

"I want to be on top." She whispered as she licked the shell of his ear. There was not much room for maneuvering on the couch. He was still on top of her even though she tried to overpower him.

"No. I get to be on top." He chuckled when he rubbed her clit and found her wet.

He ran his fingers over her opening and clit. Nick grabbed her left leg and placed it over his hip and entered her. They gasped, he moved slowly at first. "Faster." She pushed him closer. Nick almost lost it. They worked too well in this area. She was all heat and kisses, one of her hands was on his left ass cheek and the other one was on the nape of his neck.

"Faster, faster." She whispered. Nick complied and ground on her hard. He could feel his body tense.

"Fuck Amanda." He moaned and swallowed her sighs with his mouth. He came inside of her. He rode his orgasm with hers. He kissed down her chest.

"mhhmm. Nick." She massaged his scalp once more. He bit her belly button. She giggled. "I'm going to bite you here." He bit her left hip. "And here," he bit her other hip. Amanda rolled her left nipple. "No, I get to roll those. He sat up and pushed into his lap. Nick rolled her nipples. Nick touched them softly and looked into her blue eyes.

She pushed her chest forward. Nick took the opportunity to take a breast into his mouth. He sucked on it, while she ground her crotch over his member. Nick enjoyed foreplay with Amanda. She pushed him back and dry humped him. "Sergeant Amaro; has a nice ring to it." She smiled and grabbed his hand. "Would you touch me here sergeant?"

Nick was ready to do whatever she wanted him to. She guided his hand to her clit. Nick felt her wetness and fingered her until she mounted him. "I'm on top Sergeant." She gasped when he stood up and carried her with him. He carried her to her bedroom and closed the door. Frannie wouldn't let him be if he did this to her in the living room. Nick pushed her to the door and fucked her.

He looked into her eyes to get confirmation that he wasn't being too rough on her. She held onto him. "That's perfect. Nick, keep going, keep going. Nick, come on." She gasped. Even Nick couldn't believe how fast he got hard and how he managed to keep them steady.

"Amanda." He said as if in a prayer. She was so tight around him. He loved having sex with her. She was so genuine in taking her pleasure. He pumped into her and whispered things he wouldn't have admitted to anyone worse of all to her. He was so inhibited with her; "I've wanted to fuck you like this for months. You're so tight, so wet, and so hot. Remember that night when we fought. You told me there weren't any twelve steps for self pity." He thrust hard into her. "I wanted to close that door. I wanted to fuck you against the door." He delivered another thrust. She mewled softly.

"What else, tell me?" She said softly.

"I've been having wet dreams about you for years. I wanted to be inside of you for years before you let me inside." He didn't want to stop. He told her his biggest secret then. "I touched myself to the thought of you since before I got divorced from Maria." She liked that. Amanda let a grunt and tightened her hold on his hair.

"Fuck me, fuck me hard Nick." She came around him. He could easily follow her but he wanted to see her eyes darken even more.

"I used to think about what was underneath your blouse. I don't know if you noticed but I always used to let you go first so that I could check your ass out." He squeezed her breast. Nick pumped fast into her.

"None of my dreams compared to the reality of having you around my cock. You felt amazing and you taste even better. I could lick you all night long Amanda. He pushed his tongue into her mouth and fucked her against the door. He could hear the door bang. Frannie of course barked but he couldn't care because Amanda came again and this time he couldn't hold off his orgasm.

He panted against her neck. She nuzzled his neck. "Bed now." Nick carried her to her bed and slumped over her. He didn't want to move away from her.

"We're sleeping like this." He said resting his head on her chest; he moved half of his body to the mattress as to not completely crush her.

"Don't care." She whispered contentedly.


	6. Chapter 6

I don't own Law and Order SVU

Thank you guys for your support. Please read and review

Chapter 6

It wasn't a good day for any of them. As it happened Johnny D was Noah's biological father. Olivia was stressed out, tense. She gave them their assignments and asked Nick to her office. He gave her one of his smug faces and she gave him one of hers. He would be a good sergeant. They hadn't talked about the ramifications of him being in charge of her. In the back of her Amanda knew it would cause tension and problems but she couldn't bring herself to care much.

They were giving "us" a chance. These past two days were amazing. They were going back to what they were before, even better. The sex was better, they actually talked about their issues and they had fun. Amanda would even meet Gil on Friday. She'd meet the boy before but they had never held a conversation or anything. Zara was different. She knew and spent some time with Zara.

Amanda didn't know if they would still go out to the movies. She was at his apartment going over Johnny D's case. She asked him if they would be studying tonight and he shook his head. "One PP believes there's no point in me taking the test." He said casually.

Amanda held his hand, "I'm sorry Nick."

He kissed her hand, "don't be. This simplifies things. We don't have to worry about accusations of preferential treatment." She smiled.

"It would have been nice to boss you around at work. Can't have everything I guess." He smirked. Amanda kissed him lightly. "I'll let you boss me around later."

They got sidetracked for a while but then went back to discussing the Johnny D case. Nick's head was on her lap.

"I think Liv should have kept this quiet. Barba was right." She said while flipping through channels.

"She should have. I made sure Selena knew this was her last chance." He grabbed the remote from her hand and put on Game of Thrones.

"I didn't know you liked that show." She never pegged him for the type to enjoy fantasy.

"Family feuds, violence, naked people and blood what's not to like?" She frowned at him.

"Relax detective. It's fiction, none of it is real." He knew she was ready to argue with him.

"Fine, but I don't want to hear anything out of your mouth when I watch The Voice or X Factor."

"Poor choice of entertainment. I've said my piece." He concentrated on the show. Amanda of course was lost. He explained as much as he could. He liked explaining things, probably because he was such a know it all.

She ended up watching three episodes before dragging him to bed. "Come on, Khaleesi has nothing on me." Nick trailed after her.

Amanda kissed his chest and slowly undid his belt. She trailed kisses down his chest and belly button. She found she liked his chest hair very early into their sexual relationship. He deserved a little strip tease of sorts. Amanda stood up and slowly undid a few buttons of her shirt. Nick looked at her with lusty eyes. She liked that look on him.

"Come here." He growled.

"Not yet." She wanted to drag things out, to sexily strip for him.

She didn't know how but Nick grabbed her pulled her to him. She laughed when he tickled her sides and undid her shirt and bra.

"I was supposed to strip tease for you." She said between their bouts of laughter.

Nick grinned and pulled her pants and panties down. "I like how you think. You'll strip tease another day cariño." Amanda loved it when he spoke in Spanish to her. He spoke it sometimes with Barba, his mom, and sometimes during interrogations. She liked when his voice got husky when he called her cariño.

She took advantage of their position and lowered his boxers. He kicked them off. She laughed when he tried to have her under him once more.

"No. I call the shots detective." She licked and bit his throat. Amanda gave him a nice hickey.

"Too old for hickeys cariño." He smirked.

"Stop giving them then." The blonde detective had a few adorning her chest and breastbones.

Amanda nuzzled his stomach. Nick eyes darkened. He must have realized her intent. This would be the first time she performed oral sex on him. She usually didn't like it. The detective thought it was demeaning, and there wasn't a lot of reciprocity. The men she dated were either uninterested in returning the favor or were really bad at it.

She tried to stop Nick the last time they were together. He was drunk and more disinhibited. He licked her and looked at her from there and she was gone. Nick was good. She wanted to make him happy. He had a bad day; he deserves a little something extra.

Amanda stroked him. She then peppered a few kisses on his hips and thighs. He was so hard. Amanda licked the tip and stroked the base of his cock. Nick was well endowed. She cupped his balls. She heard him gasp. Amanda's heartbeat sped up when his hands reached her head. She expected the usual roughness; the gagging sensation but they never came. Nick pulled her hair back. "You're beautiful," he twisted her hair back and looked into her blue eyes. Amanda stroked him more and more. She licked and sucked on him. Nick pulled her up.

"You're close." Amanda said and was surprised when he kissed her hungrily.

"I know. I want to taste you." He pushed her to the bed and went right in. Amanda moaned when he sucked on her clit. He fingered her as well.

Amanda scratched his scalp and gasped his name over and over. "Nick, Nick, yes, Nick." She came, her legs trembled, and she tightened her grip on his hair. Nick resurfaced from between her legs with a look that almost made her come again.

"Do you have any idea how sexy, how good you taste? How much I want you every hour of the day?" His voice was filled with need. He kissed her stomach, her ribs, her breasts and then her mouth.

Nick's erection nudged her. She opened her legs to welcome him. He moaned as he entered her. It was obvious this would be a hard, hot and fast encounter. "You on top." He said, changing his mind. They kissed and he pulled out of her.

Nick's back was against the headboard. Amanda climbed on top of him. Her eyes rolled when he tightened his hold on her hips and moved her up and down his cock.

"You're like drug Amanda. The sweetest fix." He whispered; his fingers were working wonders on her nipples. She opened her eyes and looked into his. They shared a look. She stayed quiet but wanted to tell him that he was like a drug to her too. Amanda bounced up and down, consumed by the need to have him near her. She was rough. Later she would see Nick's back and wonder how she managed to scratch him so badly. Nick would frown when seeing the finger marks on her hips.

She kissed him and let him flip them. She was utterly satisfied from the overwhelming orgasm she achieved with him. Nick pumped inside of her and came with a small moan. He pulled out of her and brought her close to him. She tucked her under his chin.

"Best drug I've ever had." He muttered jokingly.

Amanda kissed his chest; Nick muttered something in Spanish and they were asleep.

She woke up to the sound of random music. "Turn it off." Nick's arms were around her middle. "I don't know where it is. This is your apartment Nick, your music." She buried her head on the pillows. She felt Nick get up and turn the thing off.

"Done." He sighed and kissed her back.

"Amanda, wake up. We have to go." She opened her eyes and saw him freshly showered.

"Cariño, we have to go. I'll make us breakfast. Come on shower" Amanda nodded and slowly made it to the bathroom. She turned on the shower and gagged. This was the fifth morning in a row. She usually felt much better after breakfast. Amanda thought it was stress after all she always had stomach problems when she was worried or stressing. She washed her face, brushed her teeth and showered quickly.

"Breakfast to go. We have to be at the station ASAP." Nick handed her coffee and bagels.

The past few days were hectic. They were to appear in court. Olivia was cleared of all possible misconduct and the trial proceeded. The defense used Noah to get to their boss. Pilar turned against them; Barba wanted Selena and Timmer to testify earlier which ended up in Timmer's death. Fortunately the other girls were willing to testify and did wonderfully.

Amanda was ready to leave for home. "Go ahead. I'll meet you in the parking lot. I want to apologize to Liv."

She nodded. The detective walked to the parking lot. Nick was one of the good guys. He was what her mother called husband material. Her mother always wanted a Nick but never got it.

He was there before she finished checking her emails. She had another appointment to get the shot. She emailed the office assistant from the doctor's office and confirmed it.

"Ready." He led her to his car.

Amanda noticed they were not going to her apartment or his. "Where are we going Nick?" It had been a long tiring day. She wanted to cuddle with him and go to sleep.

"We're going to eat out." He said simply. "I don't feel like cooking and I'm starving."

She agreed, her stomach growled in that moment. They went to a nice place. "Is this a date?" Amanda teased him.

"Yes, it is." He was the perfect gentleman and pulled a chair for her.

"Classy place Amaro, Not bad." She tried to look cool but her stomach was doing summersaults.

"Thank you." They ordered quickly, both knowing what they wanted to eat.

"The other girls did great today. It's a shame what happened with Selena and Pilar." Amanda said while waiting for their meal.

"Yes." Nick grabbed her hand. "No more talking about work."

Amanda nodded; work was common ground for them. "So what do we talk about?"

"First date things." Nick smiled at her.

She smiled back, "Ok, favorite movie."

"Silence of the Lambs." He said without hesitation.

"Serpico." She replied. He laughed and she did too.

"My turn, favorite band or musician." He asked.

"Radiohead." She said with a smile.

"The Doors." Nick stated. Amanda arched an eyebrow. "What? They were good." Nick said.

"A little too old for you." She drank some of her water.

They continued chatting until their meal arrived. She liked this side of them; they talked about their favorite music, foods, sports and movies. They had a lot in common. He was outraged when she told him she didn't like baseball.

"What? You can't be serious." His eyes widened.

"It's boring." He almost dropped his jaw.

"I'll take you and Gil to the next Yankees' game." Nick thought she merely lacked the proper instruction and the feel of a proper game.

She shook her head. They ate their meal, still talking about them and their experiences, nothing work related.

"Yours?" He asked.

Amanda nodded. She hoped he stayed the night; she wanted to cuddle with him and watch reality TV. He drove her home and went up with her. The dog walker left her a note explaining Frannie's activities for the day. Amanda was glad she found Bill. He was great with Frannie. Her dog had Nick subdued. "I missed you too Frannie." He petted the dog.

She grabbed his hand and went to the bedroom. They were both too tired to try anything. She wore shorts and a tank top while Nick stripped to his boxers.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't own Law and Order SVU

Thank you for your reviews. Please keep reading and reviewing

Chapter 7

The day at court was brutal but Ariel was perfect. The trial was to continue on Tuesday. They had a weekend to themselves. There was nothing else for them but to wait for this trial to be over. Nick felt sure Johnny D would be convicted. The girls, their testimonies were chilling. Barba argued to the best of his abilities and cornered the defense.

"Rollins. I'll drop you home. Weekend people." He strolled out of the squad room.

"You could be less obvious." Amanda was nervous. It would be the first time she properly spent time with Gil.

"It will be fine. He's like his dad. He likes blondes." He joked.

She tried to not crack a smile but the corners of her mouth twitched. "What if it's too soon?"

"Nah. He'll meet you this summer either way." Nick said openly. He wanted Gil and her to get to know each other.

"What movie are we watching?" Amanda asked.

"Avengers Age of Ultron." Nick was actually excited to see the film.

"Well at least the men will be hot." Amanda muttered

"Hey." He frowned.

"I call you Captain America later if you want." She was so funny and sexy.

They were in front of Cynthia's. "I'll wait for you here." There was no power on Earth that would convince her to leave the car.

He knocked on the door. "Gil, hijo are you ready?" He shouted as he entered. Cynthia kissed his cheek.

"Can he stay over with you?" Cynthia asked.

"Yes, of course." Nick replied without hesitation.

"Thanks. I need to run some errands." Nick nodded. He didn't need explanations from Cynthia.

Gil came down with his backpack ready. "Mami said I get to stay with you until Sunday." Nick loved that his son got excited about spending time with him.

He nodded, "Come on, our movie starts in forty five minutes."

"Gracias Cynthia." He kissed her goodbye.

"Have him back by early afternoon." She whispered.

Nick had less than a minute to tell Gil about Amanda, "Gil, I invited a friend."

As usual his son had no problem, "Cool."

His son went into the backseat. Nick stepped into the driver's seat. They were quiet. Amanda looked nervous, really nervous.

"Gil, this is Amanda Rollins. You met her a couple of years ago." Nick started. Cynthia did a great job with their son.

"Nice to meet you again detective Rollins." Gil gave her a winning smile.

"Likewise Gil, please call me Amanda." Amanda smiled back.

Nick didn't want to force thing so he let Gil and Amanda set the pace. "Did you see the first movie Amanda?" Gil asked.

"Dad and I watched it together." His son was willing to make conversation; the ball was in Amanda's court.

"I never got around to see it." Amanda said with hesitance.

"Have you seen any of the other movies?" Gil asked again.

"Yes, I watched Captain America." She replied enthusiastically.

"Both or only the first one?" Gil was in his element. His son was into superheroes, comics, anime, movies, and drawing. Gil could actually draw really well.

"There are two?" Amanda asked. Nick and Gil laughed at her surprised face.

"Don't worry Amanda I'll explain everything until we get to the theater." His son explained the Marvel cinematic universe in forty-six minutes to be exact. He did the best he could.

"I won't help you during the movie. You'll have to ask dad if you don't understand something." Gil shrugged apologetically.

"I'll get the popcorn. I'll meet you two inside. Anything you want?" Nick asked Amanda and Gil.

"Nachos." Amanda said. Gil asked for hot dogs and Reeses's bars.

Amanda was between them. The theater was not as crowded as he expected. There were a lot of young adults and teenagers. There were a few people around his age as well. Nick enjoyed the movie. Amanda's eyes were fixed on the screen as were Gil's.

He smiled when they went to get food. Gil was starving; Nick could eat again. Amanda looked at them as if they were insane. "We ate two large servings of popcorn, nachos and candy. How can you two be hungry?"

Gil smiled, "That isn't real food."

"He's right. Let's go to that place by your place, the Italian bistro." Nick drove to Amanda's neighborhood.

She ordered a salad. Nick and Gil had pasta.

"So what did you think about the movie?" Gil asked between bites of food.

"It was good. A lot of action." Amanda said.

"It was a mistake to take the Black Widow. She would a have never been taken."

"I thought that was sexist too." Amanda replied. Gil nodded and they went off on the movie and the difference between the powers of each superhero. Nick couldn't help but grin. He knew Gil would like her. Amanda seemed to genuinely like Gil as well.

"Too much food." Amanda said after she ate bits of her salad. Nick and Gil finished their servings.

"So you work with my dad and Olivia." Gil stated.

"Yeah. I'm a detective too." Amanda engaged his son. They spoke more about her and then about him. His son was making a great impression, as was Amanda.

Soon it was time to drop her off. "Good night Amanda." Gil shook her hand goodbye.

"Goodnight Gil." She smiled.

"Goodnight Nick." She kissed his cheek.

"I'll call you later." Nick saw as she entered her building.

Gil couldn't contain his question, "you're going out with her."

Nick smiled, "yes, Gil. No one knows yet. Did you like her?"

"She's very pretty and smart. Does Zara know?" Gil asked.

"No, Zara doesn't know yet." Nick drove on.

"Gil, I really like Amanda I would like for her to spend a lot of time with us." Nick wanted to get his son's blessing. It would crush him if Gil or Zara were not ok with his relationship with Amanda.

"Dad, I like her but would it be ok if we spent this weekend, just us."

"Of course Gil. I just meant if you have a problem with Amanda since you'll live with me once your mom moves to San Diego."

"Dad, it's fine. She makes you happy. You were grinning all the time. You look sad sometimes but with Amanda you always smile."

Nick laughed, "Thanks Gil. I have a surprise for you. I got you that video game you wanted. Don't tell mom."

"Can we play it tonight?" Nick nodded. "That's the plan." He was so happy. Nick always tried to make up for lost time with Gil. He wanted to know his son. He wanted Gil to have a dad. He wanted his son to have a good dad.

They played until 3:00AM. Once they started it was addictive. There were war scenes and violence but it was not as bad as GTA.

"Don't tell your mother." Nick said after drinking coffee with Gil. Cynthia didn't like it but Nick didn't see the harm in letting him have a cup every once in a while. Hell, he'd been drinking coffee since he was ten and nothing happened to him.

"We won't be doing this once you move in with me. We're getting this out of our system now. We'll have rules just like you have at Cynthia's. Besides your abuela agreed to look after you when I'm working." Nick wanted to let Gil know that he wouldn't be fun weekend dad anymore.

"I know dad. So you and abuelita are talking now." Gil asked after drinking his coffee.

Nick wanted to avoid the topic. His mother still was mad at him. His sister didn't speak with him either. "No, not yet."

Gil didn't ask anymore. They dropped the controls once they finished their missions. Gil went into his room. Nick would have to get a bigger place. He needed a room for Zara.

Nick forgot to call Amanda but texted her goodnight. She wouldn't mind. She hated talking on the phone or texting.

Gil was energetic the next morning. Nick took him to the basketball courts and they played most of the morning.

"Come on. Let's get you home." Nick said after Gil scored.

"Right, not because I'll beat you if we keep playing." Nick smiled. Gil was getting better at basketball.

They drove back to Cynthia's. She was talking in rapid Spanish. "Bye papi." Gil said and hugged him goodbye.

"Sorry Nick." Cynthia mouthed and pointed to the phone.

"Bye. See you next week." He kissed her goodbye. She smiled back at him and continued with her conversation.

It was still early so he decided to go to Amanda's. He tried to reach Zara but she didn't pick up. Nick left a message. "Princesa. I was just calling to say hello. Call me back when you get this message." Nick was opposed to his baby girl having a phone but he trusted Maria in that sense. Zara was a good and smart girl.

He knocked on the door for fifteen minutes before a very sleepy Amanda opened the door. He felt bad for waking her up. "Come in." She pulled him in.

"I can go if you want me to." She shook her head.

"I'm tired Nick, want to cuddle with me?" She yawned. He nodded.

He stripped to his boxers and spooned her. Nick must have been tired because he was asleep in no time.

Nick smiled; Amanda was kissing him awake. He kissed her back. "I'll remember this when we're fighting."

"We would never fight if you weren't so stubborn." She kissed him more. Nick chuckled.

"You're wrong. I can't help but point it out. I only want to help you see the right way cariño." Nick offered a winning smile. She rolled her eyes, "Please."

He nuzzled her neck. "I'm hungry." He said.

"Let's get take out." Amanda purred when he massaged her lower back.

"Call the Chinese place." She pulled a leg over his. His hands were on her ass.

Nick called and got the order. They ate and he told her all about his weekend with Gil.

"I'm happy for you. Does he like me?" Amanda asked out of the blue.

"He said you're smart and pretty." Nick liked the look of relief Amanda showed him. Nick felt better knowing that she cared about what his children thought of her.

"You two have the same smile." Amanda noted.

"My mom says he looks exactly like me when I was his age." Nick was proud of that.

They finished eating and spent the afternoon watching movies on Netflix. "I liked this way too much." Amanda muttered half asleep. It was barely 10:00 PM but they decided to turn everything off and sleep.

"What?" He asked as he cupped her ass. "You spending the night with me. You and Gil, watching movies, and talking. Us. I like us too much." She didn't open her eyes.

"That's not a bad thing. I like us a lot too." He kissed her shoulder. Nick realized this was so domestic and perfect. He held her and fell asleep.

He woke up to the sound of his cellphone. "Hello." He was sleepy. Amanda moved closer to him.

Nick heard Maria's voice. "I'm awake yes. Is there something wrong with Zara? Why are you calling so early?"

He yawned and kissed Amanda's forehead. "Yes, I got them on Saturday. I'll send them later today." Maria stressed the importance of him sending his written and notarized permission so Zara could travel abroad. Amanda sighed and kissed his chest.

"Maria, I know. I have to go now." Amanda kissed his jaw. Nick put the phone on the nightstand.

"Good morning." She said and ran her fingers over his cock. "Sexy time." She straddled him.

"Yeah." He grinned.

Amanda kissed him on the mouth and then pushed his underwear down. She shimmied out of her underwear. They laughed when she rubbed against him until the panties were finally off. Amanda straddled him once more and fucked him. "I'm close. Nick, I'm close." She whispered moving up and down up and down until she came undone. He jerked inside of her and came too.

She rested on top of him. "What did she want?"

Nick sighed and caught her breath. "To remind me to send my permission for Zara to leave the U.S." Not even thinking about Maria could ruin the moment for him.

"Will we get to see Zara at all this summer?" Nick's heartbeat sped up when she said we.

"Yes, late August but Gil won't see her." He wanted his children to know each other better but it was almost impossible when their schedule conflicted.

Amanda kissed him and stood up. "Walk Frannie. I'll make breakfast."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Ariel was doing great. Amanda noticed the girl wore Olivia's necklace. Nick was in front of her, next to Liv, listening to the testimony. She could tell some of the defense remarks and thinly veiled attacks bothered him. He was tense, his jaw was clenched and his hands were on fists. The defense questioned Olivia's motives and once again brought Noah's paternity up.

"He raped me repeatedly." Ariel stated.

"Liar. You're a lying bitch." Pilar and another woman rose and said.

"Order." The judge banged he gavel but people stood up. The judge ordered them out of the court. Amanda stood up, as did the rest of the squad.

She tried to usher people out of the courtroom when Johnny D overturned his desk. Amanda saw as Nick and Olivia pulled their weapons. Johnny D grabbed a court officer and pulled a gun to her head.

She saw as Johnny D shot another court officer and then the judge. He stepped out of the courtroom. Nick went after him. Amanda looked at the door and heard the shots. Things happened quickly. Carisi must have called the ambulance. Olivia stepped out; Fin and Carisi went after her.

"Barba." She walked up to the counselor. "She got hit on the shoulder." Barba tried to stem some of the bleeding with his suit jacket. Amanda checked on the court officer. He was gone. People filed out of the courtroom. Ariel still sat on the witness stand. Amanda's heartbeat sped up. She didn't want to step outside. Nick must have been shot. He could be dead. She stared at the door and then ran towards it. She needed to see, not knowing was worse.

"How is he?" She heard Olivia asked the paramedic. 

"We need to move." Nick was unconscious he had an oxygen mask on. She couldn't tell anything anymore. "I'll ride in the ambulance." She told Liv.

"I'll meet you at Bellevue." Olivia called after her.

The paramedics assigned her a corner. She saw as they tried to stop the bleeding from Nick's torso and chest. Bleeding from chest was not a good sign. She was quiet and heard as they told the driver to speed up.

Amanda heard words that didn't make sense to her. She tried to look at Nick's face but the paramedics pushed her out of the way. "Ma'am we need to stay still. We're doing all we can to keep him alive."

They reached the hospital. Nick was rushed into surgery. An intern told her to wait where she was. He would come back to update her. "He'll make it. He's fine." She told the intern.

"I will come back with news." The man told her and ran off to the double doors.

He came back as promised, not thirty minutes later. "He is undergoing heart surgery. He sustained gunshot wound that perforated his left lung…" The doctor explained but Amanda didn't understand.

"I'm sorry I can't." She was still in shock. The man looked at her and said. "It's touch and go. We're doing the best we can. We're working on his chest cavity and his knee right now. One bullet damaged the vessels around his heart while the grazed his kneecap. We are concerned about his heart and lung right now. We performed a laparoscopy on his liver."

"Thank you." Amanda sat down and waited for Liv and the rest of the squad to be there. He saw the judge being wheeled in.

Olivia strode in, "how is he doing?" Carisi was behind her. She thought she saw Fin and Barba in the back.

Amanda explained and snapped at Carisi who went to get them coffee. Olivia sat by her. Carisi came back with Fin and Barba who had coffee with them as well. The sergeant didn't stay for long. "I have to make some calls."

She thought Olivia would be gone but she came back. Time seemed to go by either horribly slow or breakneck speed fast. It seemed like seconds after Liv's call and Cesaria Amaro, Cynthia and Gil were there.

Amanda had never met Mrs. Amaro in person but Nick carried a picture of her, Gil and Zara in his wallet. "How is he?" Cesaria asked Olivia right away. Amanda tried to be as invisible as possible. Cesaria had a break down when the sergeant explained Nick's state.

"Cesaria, we don't know yet." Surprisingly it was Barba who comforted the older woman. He spoke in Spanish to her. The woman cried softly. Cynthia and Gil sat by her.

"I called Maria too. She and Zara will be here in a couple of hours." Their wait went by slower then.

Fin and Barba left after three hours. Olivia asked Fin to hold the station while she stayed in the hospital. Barba went to ask about the judge's health and then went away. Amanda thought the D.A. didn't want to overcrowd the already crowded waiting room.

Amanda was the first to see the doctor. "He is still in surgery. I thought you would want to be updated. His liver is fine. He will need PT for his knee. We're still operating on his heart. I'll come back with more news later." The doctor focused his attention to her while he gave the update.

Amanda nodded and looked and sat back down sipping on her coffee. Gil sat by her. "He will be fine." Gil offered her a smile that looked identical to Nick's when they had a particular bad case. He offered her the same smile his dad gave her when Holden March died. She fought back tears and nodded. If anyone thought it was strange that Nick's son sat next to her no one said anything. Hours went by. Carisi left; Olivia asked him to help Fin. He offered to; Amanda thought Liv wanted to ask her but she would have said no. She had to stay until she knew he was fine.

The blonde detective thought she was doing fine. She kept repeating in her head that he would be fine. Nick was young, healthy; he went to the gym every week. He ran, he didn't smoke, didn't habitually drink. He was a good cop. Nick would be fine.

Maria and Zara joined them in the waiting room. Amanda couldn't say she liked Maria. The detective heard Nick's side of the story. She saw his frustration, his impotency to not have his daughter near him.

"How is he?" She asked Olivia. Zara looked scared. She was quiet and immediately went to hug her grandmother.

"Still in surgery." Olivia explained the extent of Nick's injuries.

Maria paled. She looked worried, good served her right for hurting Nick so much. "He's young healthy, strong. He will be fine." Cynthia told Maria.

How ironic? Nick's women all here, Amanda would have laughed if it were another situation. They waited; Amanda must have drunk at least five cups of tea and coffee. At some point she reluctantly left the waiting room to throw up. Amanda gave herself five minutes to cry. She cried quietly and tried for her face to not look so blotchy. She looked in the mirror. Say it out loud, the thought. "Nick will be fine. You can't cry. You'll get nothing out of it. Go out there and wait."

She went back. Zara was asleep. Gil looked tired. Cynthia comforted Cesaria while Liv and Maria spoke.

"You should go home Olivia. Go be with your son." Maria smiled reassuringly. She couldn't go. Amanda needed someone to blame and in right now Olivia Benson fit the role perfectly. In the back of her head, the detective knew she was unfair to Olivia but she couldn't help to think that if it hadn't been for Olivia maybe Nick wouldn't have gone out of those doors to stop Johnny D. She needed someone to blame. She couldn't blame Nick, she knew it was Nick's choice to go after Johnny D. he would have done so even if Noah or Olivia were not part of the picture. It was all Nick; he always was the knight in shining armor. He protected people. It was who Nick was.

"Amanda and I will stay until we know how he is. Don't worry Maria. Noah will be fine." Her sergeant explained. Amanda nodded and was thankful for her words.

It was 2:00 AM when the doctor came back. He came back with another doctor, older. "Family of Nicholas Amaro." The older doctor said.

"We are." Maria said and was the first to be approached this time. Amanda felt her heart on her throat. This was it. She felt it.

"I am doctor Brown. I operated on Nicholas. He is out of surgery. He will be fine. We expect Nicholas to make a full recovery." The older doctor smiled.

Amanda sat down and covered her face. He was fine. He would be ok.

Amanda felt relief invade her body. She looked up and saw Cesaria and Maria hugging. Gil and Cynthia hugged too. Olivia looked just as relieved as she was.

"When can we see him?" Maria asked.

"He is still unconscious. He will be in the intensive care unit for tonight. Dr. Blake will come back and give you more information." Doctors Brown and Blake left after that.

Dr. Blake looked at her. "I will be back before you know it and then you will see him." It was as if the doctor knew that she was desperate to see Nick.

As it happened the man came back before she knew it. "Family first. Only fifteen minutes."

Zara was asleep, so Gil, Cesaria and Maria went in first. Cesaria asked Cynthia to look after Zara. Maria and Cynthia were too uncomfortable to look at each other. Amanda longed to see Nick.

Olivia and her would go in after Cesaria and Maria came out. Amanda kept looking at the clock in front of her. If Olivia noticed anything she didn't say anything.

Maria and Gil came back. Nick's ex-wife grabbed her daughter. "Maria, I have a spare room. You and Zara can stay there for tonight."

Maria kissed "Zara and I are going to Nick's. Cesaria gave me the keys." Amanda didn't like that she would be sleeping in Nick's bed. They were divorced. Nick was in a hospital bed. He was shot and there was Amanda Rollins, jealous of his ex-wife. She felt despicable; but her insecurities surfaced like never before. She stayed quiet and watched as they went away.

"Cynthia, if you want to go in?" Olivia asked Gil's mom.

"You and detective Rollins should go in. Gil and I are going home." Cynthia smiled. Amanda could have kissed her. Gil smiled at him. "Papi will be fine."

"Goodnight detectives." Cynthia waved goodbye.

Amanda and Olivia asked a nurse who took them to the ICU. The detective saw him. He was hooked to machines. He was pale and looked unlike her Nick. She wanted to cry and sit by him.

Doctor Blake was with Cesaria. "Mrs. Amaro. You can't stay here. You can stay with the detectives for fifteen minutes and then you'll have to move."

"I'll drive you home Cesaria." Olivia offered. Cesaria shook her head. "I'm staying with him until he wakes up."

"Ma'am you will not be allowed. I will have to ask security to escort you out." The doctor said.

"He is out of the woods Cesaria. You need to go home. You will see him tomorrow." Olivia reassured her. It took the best part of the fifteen minutes to get the older woman to agree. Amanda just looked at him. Liv was right; he was out of the woods. He would be fine. It was only a little scare.

The doctor ushered them out of the ICU. "Go home Amanda; take a day." Olivia kissed her goodbye. "Thank you serge."

She rode the train back home. She went up the stairs. The elevator took too long for her. Amanda opened the door to her apartment and petted Frannie for a long time.

The detective went into her restroom and showered. She drank some tea before going to sleep. She felt pathetic; but she found Nick's shirt from Sunday and wore it. It smelled like him. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep for a while.


	9. Chapter 9

I don't own Law and Order

Please read and review

Chapter 9

He couldn't breathe. He was thirsty and the lights were too bright. He was restrained. "It's ok. You're fine. You were shot." Someone said. Nick calmed down some and tried to listen around. He did what the woman told him to do and carefully listened for instructions. She explained the heart surgery the bullet went through his lung and damaged his heart as well. They repaired it; he would be fine. Nick was tired. He closed his eyes once more.

The next time Nick Amaro woke up he still had a tube on is mouth. A man asked him questions about his pain, and whether he could breathe or if the tube bothered him. The doctor told the nurse to remove the tube. Nick was instructed to breathe slowly.

"How are you feeling?" The doctor asked.

"Thirsty." Nick rasped painfully. He hurt, but the pain was not unbearable.

The doctor nodded and told him he would be required to do some exercises before he left the ICU. "Your mother and many more women were here. You're a popular man Nick Amaro." The smart-ass doctor said.

Nick grimaced and did her exercises every hour. The nurse told him he would be moving to his hospital room in a couple of hours if he continued to perform his exercises. He did and was moved to his room.

The nurses and doctors told him to move his toes and fingers Nick did and noticed the bandages around his left knee. Blake explained a bullet perforated his left kneecap. Nick sighed; that was bad. NYPD would force him out. He didn't have much time to ponder on that because his mom entered the room.

"Mijito." She cried and kissed his hand. He smiled. "I'm sorry mami." He said, for not speaking to her for being stubborn and not apologizing.

She shook her head. "It's fine Nicky. How do you feel papito?" She kissed his forehead then and smiled. Nick was a mama's boy. He was in some pain but didn't want the doctors to overload him with painkillers.

He could speak more now and the nurse gave him a sip of water earlier. "I'm ok."

"Let me call Maria and Cynthia. I'm sure you want to see Zara and Gil." His mom said happily.

"Zara is here?" Nick asked.

"Yes, Olivia called her when you were shot. That was two days ago before you ask." She stood up and went outside to make the call.

"Daddy, daddy." He heard and saw his little girl. Maria was behind her. She kissed him on the cheek "You gave us a horrible scare Nick."

"I'm fine." He rasped.

"Princesa." Nick smiled at his daughter.

"Gil and I were really scared. Don't do that again." She smiled and kissed his cheek gently. Zara told him all about Los Angeles and distracted him for half an hour before Gil and Cynthia came in.

"Hey dad." His son kissed his forehead and sat by him. Cynthia held his hand. "I'm happy you're fine." The first thing he thought about was that she would change her mind about Gil living with him.

It wasn't the best place to ask. He would have preferred to approach the subject when they were alone but his mom wouldn't leave and Maria didn't seem to be moving either. "Cynthia about Gil…"

"I'm staying with you dad." Gil said and although Cynthia looked hesitant she nodded.

"Thank you Cynthia." The nurse came in and kicked them all out.

"You have beautiful kids. That boy will be a heartbreaker and the little girl is adorable." The nurse helped him with his exercises. He would start to sit up tomorrow according to her. Nick couldn't help but think about Amanda. Where was she? He wanted to see her face.

Maria entered the room when the nurse finished taking care of him. He was surprised when no one else entered.

"Olivia called me. She thought it would be good for you to see Zara." Maria sat down by his bed.

"Thank you for letting me have her here." Nick replied. He didn't want to fight with her.

"We're staying in your apartment. I thought I could ask for leave and take care of you. Zara and I would stay with you. Nick we could try. You could move with us to L.A. I heard your son is moving to San Diego. You would be close to both of your children." Maria's green eyes were so expressive. Nick could tell she wanted to give them a chance. A year and a half ago he would have given anything to see that hope in her eyes. He would have left everything and gone with her.

"Maria, you don't have to." Nick said honestly. He wasn't going to L.A. He didn't love her anymore. He wouldn't stay in a toxic marriage that would in the end poison his daughter.

"Nick, we could make this work. When they were operating on you, I… I realized that I still have feelings for you. I kept thinking what could have happened if you were not there anymore. I care for you Nick." She was sincere.

He looked at the woman he once loved so much. "I care for you too Maria. You were my wife. You are the mother of my child but I am not in love with you anymore. I fell out of love with you. We hurt each other so much." Nick saw as she wiped wayward tears.

"You're in love with her aren't you?" Maria looked so fragile in front of him. "I can't believe she called me; the nerve of that woman."

He was confused. Maria couldn't know about his relationship with Amanda. No one knew, least of all Maria. "This isn't about anyone else. Maria."

"I saw her clothes in your closet. They can only be Olivia's. I should have known." She said with some bitterness.

"She's like my sister; those clothes weren't hers. Maria, this is about us. We can't pretend. It isn't fair to our daughter or to us. I don't want to fight. We used to care for each other. All I ask is for you to let me see my daughter and stop playing these petty games." He said honestly.

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?" Maria asked one last time.

"No." Nick said determined. He would stay in New York with his son and Amanda. He couldn't move around to follow Maria and his daughter. His ex-wife's job was temporary. She took assignments wherever he liked. As much as it pained him to say Maria could switch jobs and cities without a thought to him. Nick couldn't live that way. He didn't know how to.

"I thought about a lot of things while you were here. Zara misses you, what do you say I cut our Europe trip short so she can visit you for two weeks in late August." Maria said without looking at him.

It was a start. "I would love that Maria."

"Yes. Zara and I we have to go back by the end of the week. I'll email you our itinerary if you need to contact us."

"I hope you find happiness with whoever it is that you're seeing now." Maria left the room then.

Nick sighed. Gil, mom and Zara stepped in once more. Nick spent an hour with his children and mother before the nurse asked them to leave. "He needs to rest. You can come back later or tomorrow. I'll take good care of him." The woman said patiently to a reluctant Cesaria.

Nick slept some more. He did not have real notion of time. He woke up once more to the nurse telling him how to perform the exercises.

"When can I go home?" He asked the doctor when he checked his injuries.

"I'd say five days if you keep up your recovery." The man said.

"I'll hold you to that." Nick replied.

He rested for a while when he heard some noise.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake." Fin, Carisi, Olivia and Amanda were there.

"Hey." He said as greeting and smiled a little.

"Horrible scare you gave us." Olivia was to his right. He kept looking at Amanda. She had bags under her eyes. He wanted the blonde detective to hold his hand, not Olivia. Amanda sat down by the foot of the bed. He hoped it was only her there at that moment. Maria was not the only one who had experienced epiphanies in the last two days.

Nick Amaro was in love with one Amanda Rollins. Once Nick saw his children he immediately wondered where his lover was. Nick liked his privacy. He went out with Maria two years before she met his mother. He did not like to allude to his private life but in that moment he wanted Amanda to fuss over him. Nick wanted to label them. He wanted to ask her to be his girlfriend? No, that was childish and did not properly describe them. They were more than that. He wanted her to be more than that.

He kept looking at her. She looked at him too and smiled, a brief tired little smile. Nick looked at his sergeant, "what happened?"

Mami refused to give him details. Maybe she didn't know or care enough. All he knew was that Johnny D was dead.

Olivia explained. Carisi and Fin filled in whatever Olivia couldn't answer. Amanda was awfully quiet. It was over. Johnny D was dead. There wouldn't be any trials or anyone claiming Noah.

"Tucker was here. One PP will clear you. It was a clean shooting." Olivia smiled and tightened her hold on his hand.

He nodded. They stayed half an hour more. "We have to hold the front." Fin said.

"Feel better Amaro." Carisi went after Fin.

Amanda didn't say anything. Olivia and her left the room. Nick was hurt and confused. That was not how he pictured his reunion with Amanda.

Maybe she didn't want them to be together anymore. She was too distant, her visit too brief. Carisi made more conversation and looked happier to see him. He'd only been working with the man for a year. Amanda and him knew each other for four and she did not say a word to him.

What did it all mean? He kept thinking. Could he have done anything wrong? Nick tried to think when he heard the door open.

It was she. "My shift is over." She said and sat where Olivia say before.

"Does it hurt too much?" She asked him and pointed to his chest.

Nick was caught off guard. "A little."

"I was in the ambulance when they took you. Liv and I waited until you were in the ICU." Amanda said. Unlike Liv, she didn't hold his hand.

"I don't want us to stop being friends. It was fun while it lasted." Her words hit him hard. She looked at her lap. She couldn't see his pale face or his pained eyes.

"Cariño, are you ending us?" He asked carefully.

She nodded, "I'm being proactive. I know the drill by now. Maria is back in the picture. It makes sense for you to try again, for Zara."

Nick wanted to interrupt her then but Amanda kept speaking. "I'm sure Cynthia would be glad to know that Gil can move with her to San Diego. I think the drive from San Diego to L.A. is about two hours." She tried to smile; once again she didn't look at him.

He knew he was losing her. Amanda jumped to conclusions. "Cariño, please look at me." He told her. Nick tried to reach her hand. It hurt. She noticed. "Nick, stay still. You're supposed to stay still." She said worriedly and looked at him for the first time since she entered the hospital once more. Her eyes were red. She must have been crying.

"Cariño, I'm not moving to California. Maria and I aren't trying. Gil is still staying with me." Amanda smiled at him.

"But Maria is staying at your apartment. She seemed like she would want to try again." She tried to look cold, uninterested but couldn't quite pull it off, not with him. He knew her expressions. Nick had been cataloging each of them for years now.

"And I'm here Amanda. I don't love her anymore. When I said I wanted us to try maybe I wasn't clear enough." Nick didn't want to tell her now but she was thinking all the wrong things and jumping into the wrong conclusions. He turned his head to look into her blue eyes. It was a little painful.

"I want us to try for the long run Amanda. Not just for now. I don't want us to be a fling. Cariño. I want the house, the kids and Frannie. I want you, not Maria, not Cynthia. I want you Amanda Rollins." She looked pale.

"You're just saying that because you were shot." She was skeptical. Amanda had a right to be. He was like her in many ways. He thought the same about Maria. Only he could tell his ex-wife was sincere. Amanda did not believe he was sincere.

"Eventually I would have told you. The shooting, it sped things along but I've known that I want us to be permanent since before this happened."

He didn't let go of her hand. "I want us to be in a proper relationship. No more hiding or sneaking to be together. Amanda we're too old for that. You're not just my girlfriend. You're more than that. Don't get me wrong. It was exciting at first but we're past just sex and you know it."

Amanda looked lost, overwhelmed. It wasn't his intention to make her feel like that but they needed to move forward. "Nick, we work together. We can't just announce to the world that we're together."

"What if we didn't?" He said it quickly.

She shook her head, "Nick, I can't. I'm not giving up my job."

Nick held on tighter, "you're not. I am."

Amanda was speechless for a few seconds. Nick could tell she was trying to process what he said. "I can't let you do that. You love our job. It's your passion. Nick, you protect people. You put perps in jail."

"I'm not going anywhere in the department. I could retire, start fresh." He was convinced it would work. They would work.

"Nick this is going too fast. Two weeks ago we were ignoring each other." She tried to cling to reason.

"Amanda, I know what I want." Nick didn't want to give her an ultimatum but he had to.

"Even if we don't end up together I couldn't work with you. I was miserable before we started seeing each other again. I can't go back to that and I know you couldn't either." Nick looked at her honestly.

"Could you walk in every morning into the squad room and look at me? Knowing that we are not together, that I would be going home to another woman?" He spoke and hoped she couldn't.

"No." She said softly.

"You have nothing to lose Cariño. Let me speak with me delegate. We can figure this together Amanda."

She nodded. "Could we wait? I don't want to tell anyone just yet. We should wait until you're recovered." She cried a little then.

"What happened?" He asked alarmed by her tears.

"I went home and I googled your chest injury. You could have died. Nick you could have died." Her breath hitched and she wiped her tears hastily.

"I will be fine." Nick tried to grin.

"Yeah, 6 to 8 weeks after you leave the hospital." Amanda kissed his hand.

"Stay with me." He felt groggy. Amanda kissed his forehead. "You should sleep Nick."

"When you leave." He liked that she kissed his forehead. Amanda told him about work to distract him a bit. Eventually a nurse ushered the blonde out of the room. She pecked him on the mouth.

"I'll come back tomorrow after work." She kissed his forehead. Nick slept more easily that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda went to see Nick as much as she could during the next week. The doctors insisted that he stay in the hospital for at least five more days after he left the ICU. According to Dr. Blake it was a speedy recovery considering he sustained other injuries as well.

She was terrified to come back after that first visit. He said so many things. He told her he wanted to be with her not just for a fling. Nick wanted them to be permanent. Amanda tried to make up excuses in the moment. She'd been prepared to give him up when he told her he didn't want to try again with Maria. She freaked out for a few seconds. Nick said so many things. He said he would resign from SVU. Amanda felt the familiar urge to vomit in that moment. Nick couldn't give his job up, and then he stated that even if they didn't work out he would still resign. He couldn't go back to work and not be with her.

Amanda wanted to tell him that they could still be what they were but Nick was clear he wanted more and maybe she wanted more too. The sensible, logical thing to do was to ask him for space. She thought about it when she rode the train home. She decided to tell him that next day when she went to visit him. Amanda was not ready. They were not ready for any of it. She fell for Nick but they were doomed to fail.

The detective went in next day to see him and he smiled at her. She was a sucker for his smiles. She forgot all about her logical reasons and speeches and spent an hour talking to him and taking care of him. She was there when they discharged him. "I'll have to come back for check up next week. He said as he signed a million of forms. He looked happy.

"What about your knee?" She asked.

"I start PT once the cardio surgeon green lights me." Nick grinned even more. "My mom will come and pick me up. I'm staying with her until I can go back to my apartment on my own." Nick continued.

"How many weeks will that be?" She asked suddenly scared that she wouldn't be able to see him every other day.

"Six to eight weeks." He replied; "I understand you're not ready to meet her yet. You can come and visit whenever you feel like it. I'm sure you can come up with an excuse. I'll call you and text you every single day. You'll get tired of me."

Amanda laughed. She kissed him carefully. "They'll fly by." He nuzzled her neck. She wanted to tell them they wouldn't but she was not about to get sappy with him.

He called her everyday and they texted all day. Amanda was busy with cases. Nick begged her to keep his mind occupied. Cesaria drove him insane for seven weeks or so he said. She missed him terribly and managed to visit him after three weeks into his recovery while his mother ran errands. By the time she managed to get to Cesaria's house they only had an hour for their visit. "You can always stay and meet her. She doesn't bite." He kissed her. She kissed him back and kept kissing him.

"Not ready yet." She enjoyed the kissing and asking him questions on how he was doing. She told him about the case. He told her about meeting with his delegate. "I could retire get three quarters of my pension in. I'll start fresh."

"Are you sure Nick? What will you do?" She was worried about him. Amanda didn't want him to do anything that he would regret.

"I'll figure it out as I go." Nick shrugged.

She sighed, "I don't want you to resent me. Nick you would be giving so much up."

"I wouldn't, Amanda I am going nowhere and this knee. I don't know if it would even be possible for me to go back to the squad. They will force me out. I'm due for a change. It's not like I will not listen to you ramble about your cases." He offered with one of his characteristic smiles.

She acquiesced but that feeling of doom stayed with her. Amanda went home and felt woozy. She chalked all that to her conversation with Nick and his news about the delegate.

The seventh week was the easiest and the hardest. Amanda was used to not having him at work and only calling or texting him. They facetimed but she itched to see him face to face. She tried to distract herself by going to the doctor and getting her shot once more. She needed to get it; she had missed her appointment that past week.

Amanda went in and waited for her nurse. She peed in the cup and handed the sample. It was routine, part of her exam. She was surprised when the doctor and the nurse came back. "Hi Amanda."

"Hey Dr. Jung." She smiled. The doctor smiled tightly. "Let's have a seat shall we?"

The detective sat down and grew worried. "Amanda the shot while effective 99% of the time it is not foolproof. This happens to be your case, you're pregnant."

She laughed, "That can't be. I don't have any symptoms." Only she did. She'd been throwing up for weeks. It wasn't stress and her lack of period was not a side effect of the shot but an indication of pregnancy.

"I can't have a baby." Amanda was still in shock. It couldn't be. She was careful; she took the shot without fail.

"Amanda, the likelihood of this happening is 1 in a 100. You are that one woman." Amanda heard the words but she couldn't process them.

"There are options Amanda. I gather this is an unwanted pregnancy. We can perform an ultrasound and estimate how far along you are." The doctor spoke and spoke. The detective couldn't properly think. She couldn't have the baby. She didn't want children. She wasn't maternal. Amanda Rollins did not know how to raise children. She would be a horrible mother just like Beth Anne Rollins had been.

Amanda nodded. The nurse instructed her to lie down. She felt a cold liquid on her lower belly. The room filled with a strange swooshing sound. "That's the heartbeat."

She closed her eyes. Amanda asked what concerned her most, "How far along am I?"

"When was your last period?" The doctor asked and wiped the goo of her belly.

"I can't remember. I'm not regular, remember, side effect from the shot." Amanda did not mean to snap at her doctor.

"I would say two and half maybe three months." The doctor explained. "If you are contemplating options now would be the time to act." The older woman stood up and gathered a few booklets. "These are your options Amanda. I'll be happy to guide you in any way I can. I'll leave you to it."

She was numb. She pulled her pants up and placed the booklets inside her purse. Amanda needed to get out of the doctor's office. She needed to think and breathe.

She rode the subway to Nick's apartment and didn't realize it. She didn't have any keys so she went by a park near his building. He used to take Zara and Gil there from time to time or so he said. She sat on the park bench. Her eyes were watery. She was pregnant; her state explained the puking, her tender breasts and maybe all the crying she did when Nick was in the hospital. Amanda wiped tears. Nick, she couldn't tell Nick. He would think she wanted to trap him.

She couldn't tell him. She cried; she would lose him if she did. Amanda was pregnant; she remembered her mother got pregnant with another baby when her and Kim were girls. Her nice and perfect boyfriend accused her of trapping him. Robert claimed he didn't want children. "I don't even know if it's mine." He had said.

A voice in her head told her that Nick wasn't like that. Nick was responsible; he was catholic. He would never agree with her choices. He would hate her when he learned what she did. She didn't have to tell him, she could have the abortion. Nick would never know. They could go ahead and keep their relationship. She never wanted Nick to resent her. He would grow to resent her. Amanda couldn't be a mother; it was never one of her ambitions. She was extra careful; she had the shot and all her partners always used condoms. That changed when she started sleeping with Nick. That first time was hurried, unplanned and so hot. They started hooking up; he awkwardly asked her what they would do for contraception. She told him she was on the shot and then he attacked her. She trusted him and he trusted her. Nick loved his children, it pained him to not see Zara and he felt so guilty for not being part Gil's life. He didn't want more children. He told her once when they were drunk. "I couldn't, with my track record that relationship wouldn't work and then I would have another kid that I wouldn't be able to be a dad to."

Amanda didn't have anyone. No one to call, no close friend to guide her or help her; Fin was her partner. He cared for her but he wasn't really someone she would like to speak about her unplanned pregnancy. She breathed deeply and thought about the booklets she had on her purse. Amanda needed to go home and read over her options. This park with children all around was not the best place for her to think.

She checked her phone to distract herself, a text from Liv, telling her that she needed to head to Mercy West to interview a vic. Amanda forgot she was on her lunch hour and had to go back to work. She was glad the hospital wasn't that far from Nick's place.

Amanda interviewed the woman and got her statement. She focused on work, her news were in the back of her mind. She felt her phone ring; it was Nick. She couldn't talk to him. She let it ring.

The detective walked out of the squad room and went to her home. She had a text from Nick. "Hey, called you earlier. Call me back." She almost cried when she saw his text.

Amanda couldn't call him yet but he would call her until he spoke with her. Nick was relentless. She decided to have some tea and then make a decision about her state. She needed to make a decision before it was too late. Amanda charged ahead, always.

She drank her tea and placed the booklets. They were glossy and had feminine touches. Amanda zeroed in the abortion clinic number. She pushed the adoption aside. That was not an option. She couldn't leave her job, and Nick would of course notice. What if the kid was not adopted or the adopted family was shitty to him. She couldn't take her chances.

It was either terminate her state or have the baby and confront Nick. She would lose Nick. Amanda drank another cup of tea and decided to go with what was the best option for her. She would have the abortion. Amanda couldn't be a mother. She didn't have the skills to do it. She would screw the kid up for sure.

Nick called her three more times. She picked up, "Hey Cariño, I've been calling you since early afternoon. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Nick, I was just caught up with work." Amanda lied and listened to him speak about his day. He had to go to the doctor for his last cardiac post op check up later that week. He hoped to stay one more week at his mother's and then he would go home.

She cried a little when he told her that his chest scar was healed and he was looking forward to spending the whole weekend with her. "Amanda, are you there?"

"Yes Nick." She tried for her voice to not break but she sounded shaky to her own ears.

"Have you been crying? Are you sick?" He was concerned about her. She wiped her tears and shook her head.

"I'm fine; allergies I think." She lied through her teeth.

"I miss you very much Cariño. I can't wait to see you." She imagined he was smiling on.

"I miss you a lot too." Amanda told him about work for a bit and then hung up.

She texted Liv the next morning and asked for a personal day. The sergeant called and asked if everything was fine with her. Amanda assured her all was fine and she just needed a couple of days to sort some personal matters.

She called the place and set up and appointment for that same day. Amanda went into the office sure of her decision. She filled out the paperwork and waited for the doctor to go in. She gasped, he looked a lot like Nick. "I'm doctor Carrera. I will be your doctor today. You will need to take it easy for the next few days."

"I can't. I'm sorry." She sat up. He smiled at her. His smile was different; Nick's smile was more beautiful.

"It is perfectly fine for you to have doubts. Why don't I go outside and give you some space." The man left.

Amanda dressed again. Nick deserved to know. She wouldn't be able to look at him in they eye after she had the abortion. Nick had a right to know. She was scared, alone but if she did this. Nick would know he would know something was wrong. Amanda would tell him and then what. Their relationship would be over. They would hurt each other. She was sure Nick would ask for a paternity test and be responsible for his child but then what. He would resent her until their kid was 18 years old. Maybe they could establish custody early on.

She wiped her tears and ran out of the clinic. She breathed deeply and went to work.

"I thought you were using lost hours Manda" Fin said as she entered the squad room. Olivia smiled, "Good, you're back. Take Carisi, go to the Child's Care Center." They worked on a child abuse on a seven-year-old girl.

Amanda went home and slept. She continued with her daily routine and her work. Nick called her everyday and she relished all those talks. "I'm dying to see you."

The detective received a text from him the day he finally went back to his apartment. "Cleared of all injuries. Not the knee, still have to go to PT." She felt sick when she received that text. He was expecting her to be there that night. She would be there; she would tell him about her state that same night. She finished her paperwork and decided to head to his apartment.

"Good night" She was glad it was a Friday, she would have time to cry for those two days.

"Amanda, a word." The sergeant called her in.

"Yes, serge." She said carefully. Olivia Benson did not really like her. She didn't fully trust her yet.

"Noah's adoption will be finalized tomorrow. I hope to see you there." Amanda nodded.

"Of course." She said and then left for Nick's.

She was a mess during the train ride to his home. She knocked on the door to his apartment. She waited for a few minutes, and was about to knock once more when he opened the door.

Nick had his crutches and wore the biggest smile she'd seen him sport. She lost it and cried. She cried, the hardest, she'd cried since Patton raped her. It was over, her thing with Nick was over and it never really began.


	11. Chapter 11

I don't own Law and Order SVU

Please read and review

Chapter 11

Nick did not expect her to cry at the sight of him. They hadn't seen each other for at least three weeks and she just cried. These cries were desperate. She hugged him and kept crying. "Amanda, what is happening?"

She cried even more when they hobbled to his couch. He rubbed her back and shushed her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She chanted.

He felt uneasy, why was she asking for forgiveness. "Cariño, I need you to calm down a bit. Breathe and tell me. We can fix it." Nick kissed her hands. She cried.

"I went to the doctor to get my contraceptive shot." He listened attentively. Amanda didn't look into his eyes. She kept her gaze to their joined hands. She paused for a while.

"The doctor couldn't give me the shot." Amanda looked at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Why?" He asked. He'd never heard of a woman not getting the shot when she could ask for it.

"The nurse examined me first. The doctor came back with her and they told me I'm pregnant." She cried painfully.

Nick was confused, "How?" He asked in a neutral voice. Maybe the doctor made a mistake while examining her. They usually tested urine; maybe they got the wrong sample.

Amanda's watery blue eyes looked into his brown eyes. "I'm the one of a hundred women to be pregnant while using the shot. They did an ultrasound; I'm two months and a half along. I'll have the paternity test done when is safe for it to be tested."

He was just as overwhelmed as she was. Nick felt fear in his gut. "Why would I want a paternity test done?" He did not want to accuse her of anything.

Her lips trembled, "I figured you would want one. I remember when Cynthia told you about Gil." Nick remembered as well. Nick was afraid; Amanda didn't want children.

"Cariño, I don't need any paternity test. I know it is our baby. I believe you." He kissed her hands. He tentatively said. "I love you. I'm saying this because I love you, not because of our baby."

Amanda shook her head, "I don't want to trap you Nick. I am not one of those women. I can't be a good mom. I don't like children." She said with so much fear.

Nick wiped one of her tears away, "What if I want to be trapped? Have you ever considered that I want to be with you? I told you I wanted the house and the kids. What makes you think you couldn't be a good mom? And you do like children. I've seen you with Noah and mine. You like babies; I've seen you with Noah."

She struggled with words; "I don't have to take Noah home. Nick I don't know how to be a normal mother. I love my job; I don't want to leave my job."

Nick could tell she was scared, "I wouldn't ask you too. I can take care of the baby; there is daycare too and my mom would love to take care of Gil and the baby."

"You told me you don't want children. Nick, you'll hate me when we break up and then you have another kid that you will not be able to see." Amanda said with raw emotion.

He felt anguish inside of him. "Would you ever take our baby half-way across the country and not let me see him or her?" He remembered when he told her that. He was in pain, he learned Zara and Maria were moving to L.A. and was still reeling from the knowledge.

"No. Nick, I don't want to hurt you." Amanda cried more.

"I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't think we'll break up soon. Maybe we'll break up I don't know but I know that you're very dear to me. I love you, more than I ever loved Maria and I married her." He wanted to hear her say she loved him too.

"This is too soon. Too much too soon Nick. You're giving up your job, an opportunity to for Zara to have a normal childhood with a mom and a dad. You're saddled with this baby and me. Nick I'm sorry." She kept crying.

"You have to stop right now. I'm not a prize myself. You are saddled with me Amanda. I'm jealous, have an anger problem and a busted knee." He kissed her gently and hugged her as best as he could. "You will set all the rules. We can do this. I'll support you with our baby. Amanda this is rushed, it's all so quick but it's happened and there's nothing we can do about it. Our baby is on his or her way." Nick felt her stiffen.

"Nick, I went to a clinic to get an abortion." Amanda said hollowly. "I was going to go through it and then I thought of you. You would never forgive me if had one."

He stiffened. She knew him well; it was his son or daughter inside of her. He could never forgive himself if she ever did something like that. "I wouldn't." He looked into her eyes.

"I didn't do it. Nick I'm scared. I'm really scared." She cried desperately.

"Mi amor. I'll help you. We'll figure this out." He reassured her and kissed her more and more until she felt better.

He reassured her until she stopped crying. Her stomach growled, "I cooked dinner. Do you want to eat now?"

"Yeah." He used his crutches to go to the kitchen. She ate some of the rice and chicken he made. She was quiet and then said, "Can we go to sleep?"

"Of course." He hobbled to his bedroom. Amanda undressed to her panties and went into his drawers and wore one of his old Yankees t-shirt. Nick undressed too. She helped him out of his sweatpants. Nick liked to sleep only in boxers. He lifted his shirt up. She traced the scar. "Does it hurt?" She asked as they faced each other.

"No. It itched the first three weeks and it felt tight; not anymore." He brushed her hair away from her face. Her eyes were puffy and red. "Can you hold me?" She asked in a barely audible voice.

He inched closer to her. His knee was so much better now. Nick nuzzled her neck and she kissed the top of his scar. "Can I put my head on your chest?"

"Cariño, you can do whatever you like. I'm fine. I'll tell you if you hurt my knee." She smiled and nuzzled his chest.

"I think I love you too." She looked up to him and he smiled. "I know I love you." He kissed her forehead. I think I love you would have to do. Amanda cared for him deeply. He would make her realize she loved him as well.

"Olivia invited me to Noah's adoption party." Nick traced figure patterns on her back. She ran her fingers over his side. "I'm going to tell her I'm leaving the squad."

Amanda sighed, "Please don't tell her I'm pregnant." She said and then looked at him. "She doesn't like me much and I want to be the one to tell her."

"Can I tell her about us?" He asked with a cheeky smile. Amanda swore Liv hated her. Olivia was important to him. She was his partner, his friend.

"Not yet Nick." Amanda frowned. He laughed. "I'm playing with you. You set the rules remember?"

She kissed him once more. Nick closed his eyes. He was sure she was asleep when she looked up to him. "Nick, I'm not going to marry you." She teased him. "We'll live in sin." He laughed. At least she wasn't saying they wouldn't live in sin. He liked that.

She finally fell asleep and turned away from him. Nick spooned her and touched her belly. He didn't feel any bumps or anything yet. He kissed her shoulder. This was rushed, too quick and so unexpected but it felt right. He wanted Amanda to be part of his life for a long time. It hit him that Amanda was going to have his child. He felt giddy for a second. Amanda would try to run, she had her doubts but this was a sign.

He woke up before her. She was asleep; Amanda sighed and snuggled into him. "Good morning." He heard her say. She groaned and escaped from his arms. Amanda ran to the bathroom. Nick stood up and used the crutches to get to the bathroom. He couldn't hold her hair back because of his knee. Nick tried to help her up.

"That's good." He said while she wiped her face.

Amanda frowned, "the baby is strong." He replied and pushed her hair back. She was trying to not look terrified whenever he spoke about the baby.

Nick kissed her forehead, lots of reassurance, that's what she needed now. "I want to go to my place and dress up for Noah's adoption celebration." She said as they made breakfast.

Nick nodded and scrambled some eggs. Amanda wrinkled her nose. "No eggs then." He said tentatively.

"No eggs." She fried sausages and inhaled deeply. He shook his head.

They ate and then decided to head for her apartment. Nick dressed very casually. He didn't see the need to go overboard. Liv told him just to be there. He was happy for her friend.

Amanda didn't feel the need to change clothes. She wore his shirt and some Gil's long forgotten basketball short. "He won't mind. He doesn't wear them anymore. They're clean. I swear." He chuckled.

They took his car. She drove to her apartment. Nick called Zara to say good morning. "Yes, princesa, I know you leave in two weeks. I will pick you from the airport. We'll spend the whole week together. Gil will be there too." He laughed when Zara laughed about some story that happened in school.

"Bye Zara." His daughter hung up on him.

"Maria agreed to give you a whole week with Zara huh?" Amanda said carefully.

"Yeah, she feels a little guilty that she's taking Zara for two months and offered to give me a week before they go and two weeks before she starts school. Not ideal but something is something. I don't want to fight with her. She's agreed to give me thanksgiving, and New Year's." Nick wanted to tell her everything.

"That's nice Nick." She said a little bit distractedly.

"I'm not going to tell Zara about the baby just yet. We'll wait until you're ready." Nick said.

"What about Gil?" Amanda asked nervously.

"Gil will spend the summer with me; at least until August. He will notice your belly grow." Amanda frowned.

He could tell she was tensing. "He's older Amanda. Gil will understand."

"I hope so." She said nervously. Nick kissed her hand.

Nick hobbled to her apartment. His busted knee wasn't as bad as the doctors expected it to be. Considering he did not start PT until after three weeks of the injury he was doing just fine. The physical therapist told him he would get 80 to 90 percent of function. NYPD would try to force him out but Nick was in excellent health and was young. He could go back to being a detective after a few months of desk duty. Nick smiled; at least he would have function in said knee and would be able to carry out normal activities.

Frannie as always was excited to see him. He petted her while Amanda showered and dressed. Nick made himself comfortable. It could take her half an hour or two hours depending on her mood. Frannie lay by him. He continued petting her. Nick watched some cartoons Zara and Gil liked, three episodes to be exact. Amanda came out with a beautiful flowery dress. She looked beautiful.

"Figured I would wear it before I can't fit into it." She said shyly.

"You are breathtaking." He must have said something right because she smiled and kissed him sweetly.

"Don't tell Liv about us just yet." She looked so vulnerable. Amanda has this idea that Liv despised her. She was mistaken. Olivia looked out for all of them. He nodded.

"Come on. We'll be late." She kissed Frannie goodbye and they left her apartment.

She was nervous about them showing up together. Nick resisted the urge to give her a duh look. Amanda stopped at a red light and said, "Fuck it. They'll know either way." She smiled at him.

Amanda was right. Everyone was there when they got to Liv's place. "Hey Nick." Fin clapped his back.

"How's that knee?" He asked.

"Better I think." Nick sat down on the couch next to Lucy and Noah.

"Hey Noah." The toddler grinned and made grabby hands at him. Nick picked him up and kissed his forehead. Amanda sat by Fin and Carisi.

Rafael and Olivia talked by the counter. He played with Noah until Lucy stood up to grab a drink. The ADA sat next to him and the baby.

"How are you feeling?" He asked politely.

"Better, busted knee and all." Nick shrugged.

"Figured as much." Noah came back from the rug with his block and shoved them in Rafael's lap.

Nick was surprised when Rafael dropped to the floor and started building things for Noah to knock them down. The baby got his kicks off knocking them down.

"Amigo, you have to let me build them first." The lawyer said this in Spanish. Nick was surprised Noah seemed to grasp some of it.

Nick tried to speak in Spanish to Noah and the baby reacted to him as well. Liv spoke Spanish but not enough for the baby to be able to attend and be familiar with whole sentences. Rafael continued speaking in Spanish and expertly maneuvered a too small block away from the boy's mouth. Nick made sense of it all. His face must have shown recognition because the lawyer spoke in Spanish once more but this time he didn't speak to the baby but to him.

"I won't say anything if you don't. I know about you and the blonde." Nick smiled and replied in Spanish as well.

"So you and her? Since when?" He asked curiously.

"Since the case with Ariel and Johnny D." Barba whispered.

"You and the blonde?" The lawyer asked. Nick guessed it was only fair to answer.

"Year and half maybe more." Nick said and smiled when Rafael looked surprised.

"Impressive detective. I would have guessed only a year." It was Nick's turn to make a face.

"That obvious huh?" Nick laughed when Barba nodded.

"Does she know?" Nick asked after a while. Everyone else was busy with their own conversations. Olivia and Lucy were in the kitchen setting things for dinner. They were all oblivious to their conversation in Spanish.

"She suspects but does not really believe you two would ever be involved." Rafael replied. "It helps that you two fight most of the time. She thinks those fights are proof of you pent up sexual tension."

Nick shook his head. "Well you two certainly are a surprise for me."

Rafael shrugged. "It just happened." He said honestly. "Don't tell the blonde." They chuckled when Noah destroyed the small fort they were building.

"Maritza asked after you." Rafael commented. "Don't worry. I told her you had a lot of baggage and the last thing she needed was to get involved with the likes of you."

Nick frowned. "Thanks."

"You're welcome detective." The A.D.A said while standing and going to the kitchen.

"That was a long conversation." Amanda sat down by him and handed Noah some toys he wanted.

"It was." Nick handed the baby a block he threw on the couch.

She acted uninterested, "What about?"

"Noah, Olivia and my knee." Nick replied lightly.

Amanda looked relieved. He didn't feel guilty; it wasn't his secret to keep.

They had lunch. He could tell Amanda was staying away from all drinks. Nick abstained from alcohol too. They had a good time; inevitably they ended up talking about cases. He could tell Lucy was not comfortable, once again Olivia steered the conversation to safer topics.

Nick stayed back helping Olivia put away a few things; it was the perfect time to tell her about his decision to leave the squad.

"You'll be on desk duty for a long time." She said with a small smile

"They're going to try and force me out." Nick said casually.

"We're going to fight it. You're young, healthy." She said with conviction.

"I haven't told anyone yet but I'm not going back." Nick let it out.

"I could retire. Liv, you and I know I'm not going anywhere in the department." He said honestly.

Liv looked at him with sad eyes. "You're going to L.A."

Nick shook his head. "No, I'm staying in New York. Gil is staying with me."

"I know that I wasn't what your old partner was for you but I'll miss you Liv." He didn't want his voice to break but it did.

"You aren't. I've grown more in the past for years than I ever did with him. Whatever happens Nick Amaro, friends for life." They hugged. He smiled.

"I'll still call you and visit. You won't get rid of me." Liv said.


	12. Chapter 12

I don't own Law and Order SVU

Please read and review. Happy Holidays!

Chapter 12

"Did you tell her?" She asked as soon as they went inside the car. Amanda stayed away from him and Olivia as much as she could. Intellectually she understood Olivia did not have anything against her but she knew she was Nick's friend and partner. Nick cared what the older woman thought. The last thing Amanda wanted to do was screw up with her one more time. The detective wanted to tell Olivia about them. It would be on her terms; when she felt ready.

"I told her I wasn't going back." Nick said as she drove them to her place.

Amanda sighed. "It's not that I don't want people to know Nick."

"I can wait Amanda. I'm determined." He smiled at her.

She nodded. The blonde was terrified but Nick, he just seemed to know what to say or do. He was patient and showed her an understanding that she didn't think he was capable of. He was letting her do things and decide. She wondered how long that would last. Nick was stubborn to a fault. He was persistent and relentless.

They went home. "I'll walk Frannie." Amanda kissed him softly and changed to her jogging clothes. Frannie and her jogged for twenty minutes. She felt leagues better than yesterday. Nick didn't blame her or ask her for a paternity test. She knew he would support her but listening to him say the words was something completely relieving. Amanda remembered telling him about her detour to the clinic. He tensed then and confirmed her suspicions. He wouldn't forgive her if she terminated the pregnancy.

For the longest time Amanda was sure she wouldn't have children. Now she wasn't sure. This wasn't about a certain epiphany about her loving her child. She didn't know how to feel about the baby inside of her. The woman however knew how she felt about Nick. She was in love with him. He wanted the baby and that was it. She felt conflicted because she didn't know if she wanted the baby. Amanda couldn't imagine what having and caring for a baby would be like.

She breathed deeply and stopped thinking. It was scary but Nick would be there. She had mixed feelings but choosing to terminate the pregnancy without Nick knowing would have forever haunted her.

Amanda and Frannie went back to the apartment. Frannie went for her bowl of water. Amanda locked the door. She heard the shower running. The woman didn't think twice. She undressed and went inside the shower. Nick smiled. "I was wondering when you would come back." He kissed her lips.

She missed him terribly. She dove right in and kissed him more and more. Amanda felt his hands on her ass. She smiled and tried to reach his mouth once more. He was too tall for her to reach. He would usually lift her and press her against the wall. Nick couldn't, his knee wouldn't let him, not yet.

"Bedroom." He said with desire on his eyes. She yearned for him too.

She kissed his chest and nodded. He turned off the water and they stepped out of the shower. Nick held onto her as they made their way to the bed. He smirked at her. "I'll just rest here and let you do the work, busted knee and all."

Amanda sat on his lap, as far from his knee as possible. She kissed his jaw. "Are you cleared for this?"

"Yeah, even if I wasn't wouldn't tell you now." He grabbed her right nipple and rolled in between his fingers. She ground her hips over his.

She felt the familiar tingle inside of her whenever Nick was naked and aroused. She tried to think about his health but it was distracting when he placed a finger over her opening and whispered into her ear, "so tight. Amanda I can't wait to be inside of you." The woman gave in. She placed him at her entrance and slowly sank into him. She felt the familiar sensation of him inside of her.

"Go slow. I want to enjoy the ride." He bit licked her neck. Amanda moaned and nodded. She went slow and looked into his eyes. She remembered when she couldn't hold eye contact with him. Those days were long gone, the woman enjoyed looking into his warm brown eyes. They reflected so much of him. She saw desire and happiness. He kissed her roughly. Amanda sped up the rhythm. Nick helped her along when his orgasm approached. She fell on him and listened to his beating heart.

He moaned, "are you in pain?" She asked concerned and looked at him.

"No. You know my knee will be as good as new in a few weeks. The bullet hit me in a miraculous position or something like that." Nick ran his fingers over her back.

She nuzzled his chest. The scar was big, still red but it was healing nicely. She kissed the scar and moved lower. Amanda trailed kisses and licked his torso. She cupped him and could feel him become hard under her hands and mouth.

The blonde bit his thigh and licked the bite. Her lover liked to bite her too; it was only fair. She teased him with her hands, dropped a few kisses on the head of his cock but didn't put him inside her mouth.

"Inside." He begged her. She smiled and slowly, very slowly licked him. She caressed his balls and felt him arch his back. Nick looked at her with his big dark eyes. She knew he wanted her to suck him. Amanda licked the base of his cock. He squirmed on the bed.

"What do you want Nick?" She asked huskily.

"Suck me." He rasped. Amanda was wet, very wet for him.

She moaned and did just that. She sucked him while trying to look at him. There was something to be said about seeing Nick become undone. She sucked and licked; she didn't stop when he told her. He spilled inside of her mouth. It wasn't the best taste but she swallowed it.

Nick's face contorted with pleasure. He pulled her up and kissed her. Amanda thought it was the hottest kiss he'd ever given her.

"I want to taste you too." He went for her neck. She nodded.

Nick slid down the mattress. Amanda took the hint and went up to the headboard. She was above Nick's face. He didn't wait for her. He licked and sucked. Amanda moaned and tried to not suffocate him. She enjoyed him, his mouth, his hands on her ass, caressing her. She felt his tongue on her opening. Amanda couldn't help but grind on his face. She felt her orgasm overtake her.

Nick grabbed her hips and helped her down. She slid on top of him. They were sweaty. She moaned when she noticed he was hard again. "I want to be inside of you again." Nick caressed her sides. She kissed him, gently biting his lower lip and then opened her legs to receive him.

This time it wasn't as slow as the first time. Nick thrust up frantically. "I can't wait to have you under me."

Amanda moved her hips just and frantically. She bounced up and down, emitting little sounds of pleasure and gasping because Nick sat up and held her to him. It was intense. She came just by looking at him bite his lip from the pleasure. She moaned his name. He attacked her mouth. She slumped against him and tried to keep up the pace but was unable to. He wasn't done yet. She stayed on his chest as he moved her hips up and down. She kissed him. He moaned, Amanda loved kissing him and running her fingers over his scalp. He spilled into her. She moved to the side while Nick pulled her to him. He was a cuddler and she didn't mind at all.

"You smell wonderful." He inhaled deeply and fondled her breasts. "I want to sleep." She murmured when he rolled her nipples.

"I'm not asking you to do anything cariño." He licked the shell of her ear.

"The mind is willing but the body is not." She yawned and giggled when she heard him mumble and kiss her neck.

Amanda woke up and wanted to throw up. She moaned and felt his strong arms around her middle. "Shh, don't move too quickly." He kissed her forehead and handed her a cracker. "Eat it. It will settle your stomach. I have tea for you."

She opened her eyes and saw a plate and a steaming cup of tea. She ate a few crackers and then drank the tea. "Feeling better?" Nick asked her while kissing her forehead. Amanda never had a lover, or anyone who cared like that for her. She nodded and kissed his mouth. Nick never cared about morning breath, or anything really. He rubbed her back.

"What do you want to do today?" He asked her as he turned on the TV. "Bill already came in and walked Frannie." Amanda still felt sleepy and stayed by him watching Friends until her bladder demanded to be emptied.

Amanda cooked some lunch and they went to the park with Frannie. She heard him call his mom and reassure her it wasn't necessary for her to visit him. "I can manage on my own mom." He rolled his eyes.

They played with Frannie. Well, she played with her. Nick watched them from his bench. He looked happy.

They were walking back to her apartment. "Let's go do something you like." Nick mastered the art of using his crutches.

Amanda looked at his hopeful eyes. He was really trying to make her feel at ease. She took him up on it. "Let's go and catch a game."

"What game?" Nick asked.

"Whichever game." She shrugged Amanda didn't care. Nick's eyes gleamed. They ended up going to a baseball game.

She was about to protest when he grinned at her. "You said you didn't care which game."

Amanda gave him a look, "Fine but if I don't like it we go." She said. The lot wasn't full but there were more than enough people to see the two teams play. Amanda heard a lot of Spanish. Nick looked excited and explained the game to her. She of course knew the rules and how baseball was played. She found it boring but the way Nick explained excited her. He sounded and looked like a kid. The woman found him endearing.

She would never really like baseball but she liked watching Nick when they were watching a game.

They rode the subway back to her apartment. "So did you like it?" He asked.

"I did, not as much as football but it will do when I'm bored." Amanda laughed when Nick feigned to be hurt. She kissed him and they went up to her apartment.

"Want a sandwich?" He hobbled to her kitchen.

She nodded and turned on the TV. Nick was fun to have around. He cooked and gave excellent back massages. Amanda felt immensely better that Sunday night. They watched re-runs of the X-Factor. Amanda pulled a leg over his groin. She could tell he would sigh and roll his eyes at some of the performances. She missed that. "Just watch it." She said when he squirmed.

She loved when he caressed her scalp. She couldn't tell when she fell asleep. Amanda liked the feeling of Nick's strong arms around her. She heard the alarm go off and stood up. Nick was fast asleep by his side.

She went to the kitchen and held in the urge to puke. She drank tea and ate some saltines. The detective glanced at her phone and found a missed call and text from Liv. She was needed at Mercy hospital; new case.

"Come on girl, quick run today." Frannie wagged her tail and followed her out of the apartment. Amanda jogged with Frannie and checked on Nick. He was still very much asleep. She showered and dressed for the day.

Amanda came close to Nick's face and kissed his forehead and eyelids. "I'm going to work." She whispered and he tried to pull her down to the bed. "I'm late as it is."

"K" he said and snuggled into the pillow.

She wished she could stay with him snuggled but duty called.

Amanda stepped inside the squad room with a sense of ease she hadn't felt in the past two months. "Such a nice smile." Fin remarked.

"Had a nice weekend." She replied. The victims at Mercy were cooperative and ready to identify and testify against their abductor. Carisi and Olivia walked with the cuffed man.

It was a regular day. She went to court, took the stand, came back to the squad room and caught up with paperwork.

Nick called her. "Billy came and walked Frannie." She could hear street noises.

"Where are you?" She asked curiously.

"On my way to Cynthia's. Gil needs help with a math homework." He said.

"Ohh." She wanted to ask him if he was going back to her place but didn't want to sound needy or pathetic.

"Love you. I'm about to get on the train." He said and then the line went quiet.

Amanda didn't have time to think about her sudden need for Nick to be waiting at home for her. Olivia pulled a case and wanted them to investigate further into a victim's story. She was busy for the rest of the day. Fin and her drove around Brooklyn trying to verify this woman's story. Fin drove her to her place.

"Take care Manda." He said as she stepped away from his car.

She half expected Nick to be there. He wasn't. Frannie greeted her with enthusiasm. Amanda ate some lunch Nick must have made and then went to bed. She checked her messages. Nick texted her about the food. Call me he wrote after that. Amanda didn't. She never was the type to call back, text or check in. She wouldn't start now. It was good that Nick was at his apartment. They spent the whole weekend together that was enough.

Only it wasn't. She missed him. Amanda cared for Nick. She was in love with him but she couldn't help but think it was a weakness to want to call him or go over to his apartment because she missed his smell, his voice, and his kisses.

Amanda gave up by 1:00AM. She called him. "What happened? Are you ok? Did something happen? Are you bleeding? Don't move. I'll call an ambulance." He said quickly while trying to remain calm.

She felt guilty. "I'm fine. I'm not bleeding. I just got out of work and you said to call you." She lied through her teeth.

She could practically see his relieved face. "Cariño, don't ever do that. You almost gave me a heart attack." He said with an annoyed voice.

"You didn't let me speak." She replied, thrilled that he cared.

"I'm sorry. Yes, so how was your day?" He began and just like that they spent an hour talking on the phone.

He yawned first, "You should get some sleep Cariño. I'm sure Liv will expect you by the afternoon shift but you should sleep."

Amanda cringed; it was 2:00AM. She should be asleep, she would have to wake up by 7:30 and be at the station by 9:00 AM. She didn't feel sleepy at all. "I thought you would be here." Amanda finally said what bothered her. She hoped she sounded casual.

"I don't want to overwhelm you. I thought you would like a night for yourself." Nick said honestly.

"I don't mind you here Nick." Amanda sighed.

"I'll go by your place tomorrow." She smiled, happy at her idea.

"I'll count the hours." Nick was sappy. She liked him, even when he was sappy.

That first week after telling Nick that she was pregnant went by swiftly. They were showering and getting ready to visit Nick's orthopedic surgeon for one last check up. They were to be at Bellevue in less than an hour.

"Stop." She said when he tried to tickle her once more. "We'll be late." She kissed him. They made it out of her shower just in time to call a cab.

She was by his side when Cesaria Amaro called him. "Yes ma, I'm at the doctor's. No you don't have to pick me up. I'll call a cab and head home on my own." Amanda knew Nick was a mama's boy. He called his mother every day and went to church with her on Sundays. He didn't go last Sunday because he spent it with her and that was an exception he made. He told her so.

Amanda remembered the doctor well. He was friendly and checked Nick's x-Rays and asked Nick questions about his physical therapy.

"I must say Nick. You are progressing above all my optimistic expectations. I will recommend you be reinstated to the force, not immediately of course by I think you'll be out of desk duty by winter." The doctor said with a smile.

"So the knee is good. I won't need a cane." Nick said hopefully.

"Not yet." The doctor said.

"Good." Nick was happy and squeezed her hand.

"Continue with your PT and remember don't try to be a hero. If you're in pain call me and tell your therapist." Nick and the man shook hands.

They were in the elevator. "I think we should go to OBGYN. Don't make that face. We have to make sure you're on track. See the baby; get an estimate of his or her gestation. Get vitamins. I can't let you set the pace on this." Nick pressed the 11th floor.

Amanda felt panic rise but couldn't deny that he was right. "Ok." She said nervously.

"I'll hold your hand." He smirked.

They stepped out of the elevator and went into the double doors and into the OBGYN practice. Amanda sat down, the place wasn't crowded or anything. There were only two other women chatting to each other. The blonde detective felt out of place there. Nick came back with a clipboard and asked her for her insurance. Amanda gave it to him and he filled out all the paperwork.

"No allergies, one surgery, when was your last period?" Nick whispered quietly. He asserted there were no allergies or any more surgeries. She would have teased him but she felt too nervous to challenge him.

"I don't know Nick. I was on the shot. I guess five months ago." Amanda whispered quietly.

"Ok." He went back to the first page. She glanced at the page. He filled out birthday, address, and other basic info. "Family history."

"Addiction and mental illness. My mom is bipolar. Don't look at me like that. I don't exhibit any symptoms." Amanda was not worried about bipolar disorder. The woman knew for a fact her mother faked symptoms to get benefits from the government.

Nick looked confused, "She faked symptoms. I just wanted to see the look in your face." She smirked.

He kissed her hand, "work on your jokes." He completed the paperwork and hobbled to the front desk. He came back and held her hand.

"We'll be fine." Amanda didn't speak for the longest. Nick was mercifully quiet too.

"Ms. Rollins." The nurse led her to the nurse's room. The woman weighed her and drew blood. "We'll make sure everything is fine with you and your baby."

"Thanks." She said and then they told her to wait by Nick who looked out of place for the first time.

"We have to wait for the doctor to call me." Amanda sat down by him. "What did they do?" He asked while still holding her hand. He didn't lie when he said he was going to hold her hand.

"The nurse drew blood. She weighed me." Amanda shrugged, "the usual." She took his phone and checked his pictures. Nick was a dying breed of men who didn't care if she was on his phone. He shrugged.

Amanda checked his pictures. He had pictures of Zara, Gil, and her. She smiled, "when did you take this one?" She pointed to a picture of her and Frannie.

"Months ago. I can't remember. Let me see." He took the phone and checked the picture.

"We were at the park. That day when we went to get Frannie vaccinated." He replied. Amanda looked at more pictures and found pictures of Zara and Gil when they were babies.

"How did you get Gil's pictures?" She looked at a beautiful picture of Gil with a toothy grin and mush all over his face.

"Cynthia let me take pictures of the pictures. I told her I would have loved to be there when Gil was little."

"He was adorable." She commented and for the first time thought about the child inside of her. Zara and Gil looked a lot like Nick. This baby would probably look like him a lot too.

"Ms. Rollins you're next." The nurse who drew her blood said. The blonde detective held on to Nick's hand as they made it to the room. He smiled at her. "Don't say I'll be fine." He nodded.

The doctor was older than them fifties maybe. "I'm doctor Whitaker. Ms. Rollins. How are you this morning?"

"Fine." She replied and explained the reason of their visit. Nick was concerned about the shot and the fact that she still managed to get pregnant.

"You are not the first woman to be pregnant while on birth control. There is nothing to worry about in that sense. I'll make a note of that and we will go from there. Monica took blood and urine samples."

"I'm going to do an ultrasound to clarify some things and make sure your baby is well." She handed her a robe. "We'll do a pelvic exam as well."

Amanda went to an adjacent room to undress. Amanda came back and rested on top of the examination table. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing. She looked away from Nick who had the decency to look away too.

The doctor checked over and instructed them to look at the monitor. Nick's eyes were there already. "That's your baby about thirteen weeks." The doctor clicked a button and they could hear the heartbeat. Nick gave her the biggest smile she'd ever seen him wear.

She smiled at him. "I'm going to start you on folic acid as soon as possible. The baby looks well."

Nick went close to her and kissed her on the mouth. "That's our baby cariño."

"You'll come back in few weeks to keep track of the baby's growth." The doctor said welcomingly.

"Could we get a copy of the ultrasound picture?" He asked with big puppy eyes.

She was as if in a daze and relied on Nick to get all the information from the doctor. "We'll get something to eat. We'll go to the place you like."

They went to the Italian place and got whatever she wanted. "The baby is real. It has a heartbeat." She said after a while.

"Yes, he or she is in there Amanda. You are growing a part of me and you." He said as if in awe. He said it with an air of reverence that Amanda liked. Nick always told her she was smart and was impressed with her drive but this was a whole new level of brightness in his eyes. She doubted then, was he with her because of her or the baby. She couldn't stop the niggling doubt that maybe Nick professed all those feelings of love because of the child inside of her and not her. He was excited beyond belief while she couldn't help but feel more overwhelmed by the minute.

They went to his apartment. They watched whichever show she picked. He let her choose and do everything. Amanda did not get the satisfaction she was supposed to get from his actions. Instead of feeling victorious she felt more insecure. Nick humored her because of the baby.


End file.
